Sunday, October 17, 2010

Life Stories

I know I have been letting you all down with my lazy ass not writing thing and I apologize. Particularly to those of you who are paid up, and you, Supreme Wonderfulness, are getting the nod this week. I know it's a little past a week. I'm sorry you all had to wait. You will notice that your name in the web log can be purchased, Supreme Wonderfulness is my niece, and she is paid up. A cautionary tale.

I have to explain how the will works in my family. And don't worry, I know it seems a lot of times like this isn't going anywhere, but this time it kind of is.

Whenever I used to get irritated by one of my children, January or the Apostrophe Editor I would  declare that whichever one was out of favor was also out of the will, and because we are pretty much floating in money that was a serious threat. It finally occurred to me that they never got particularity twanged out, no matter which one was on the good foot, which was suspicious. 

It finally dawned on me that they had already decided to just divide up whatever there is, no matter who is in the will. That'll take the wind out of your sails, disinheriting your children-wise.

You may have noticed that one of the followers is "Out of the Will", it's the Apostrophe Editor, but being Out of The Will is mostly ceremonial at this point, like being the Queen of England.

Having said all that, and I realize it was a long way around, That One is currently out of the will. Ha! Didn't see that one coming did you? If you saw the comment from last week, you will probably want to cut him out of your will too, just for good measure.

The Apostrophe Editor was saying that he enjoys the personal stories that are sprinkled in, possibly he wants me to shut up about meat and plastic for awhile. Fair enough, a break from the hard work (on my part, lets be clear) can be good. I got to thinking, and almost instantly an event came to mind. It happened when I was about 10 or 11, in California, allow me to set the scene.

We were in a car, 58 Chevy as I recall, with my mother and one of the Stepfathers (there's no point going into names, there were a series of stepfathers). Anyway we were hurtling down a California freeway, that particular stepfather never did the speed limit, and I don't mean he never got up to it, I mean he left it in the dust. So we hurtled everywhere we went. And no stinking lane markers. Straight down the middle. It has never ceased to amaze me, then or now that we were never all in a horrific accident, because believe me it was at the forefront of my mind most of that part of my childhood.

My mother and the stepfather were in the front seat with me in the back. We were going to some event, (I don't remember where we ended up) I know we were traveling in a caravan situation because there was another car, also full of upstanding citizens hurtling along in a nearby car. 

After we had been hurtling for awhile, one of the women in the car alongside us realized she was out of cigarettes, and pre-cellphone, managed to mime her dire situation to the occupants of our car. Well, smokers unite.

Of course what they did was, driving about 80-90 miles an hour, coordinated the satellites, synchronized their watches, they brought the cars close enough together that my mother was able to hand off a pack of cigarettes to the woman in the other car, by reaching through the window.

This was pre seat belts of course, and of course there was a cooler of beer in the back seat with me, but that's ok, beer wasn't considered actual alcohol, more like Methadone, it got you to the place you were going where there was the real deal.

Anyway, what I'm pissed about now is, my family invented Jackass! I should be rolling in royalties, and this proves once again, it's all about the timing.


Back to the preachy.

Baby Diaper Service

This only works for people in Seattle or a largish metropolitan area. You can buy used cloth diapers for cleaning really cheap, this doesn't sound all that exciting, but I'm saying, if you have to clean a thing, this works way faster than anything else.

They are fabulous for all types of cleaning. 

Cloth diapers are what we used before the Advertising People got parents to believe that some plastic and chemicals (chemicals that they refuse to disclose by the way) would be the best way to go pressed against your kids reproductive areas. The advertised advantage of disposable diapers is that  they can be on the kid for hours and hours and hours and the chemicals will soak up the situation, so it's easy. The other advantage is then you throw them in a landfill! 

The occasional parent still uses the diaper service, which is expense wise, exactly the same cost as plastic diapers and exactly the same amount of trouble, (which is to say one hell of a lot less trouble than owning the diapers and washing them in your own machine, can I get an amen?), so when the kid is done with diapers from the diaper service and they are getting a little raggedy (the diapers not the kids), the diaper people sell them. I had my own for years and years but they finally caved in so I was pretty excited to find the used ones for sale. Baby Diaper Service is the name, there was no screwing around when it came time to name that business. A tip, only get the newborn size for inside cleaning. The big ones are too big unless you are detailing cars. I think they were $8.00 a pound, which is a lot of diapers. Damn, I'm the most helpful human I know right now.


I'm kind of thinking, you saw the mask at the top of the post right? I'm hiding out from Dr. Laura and Sarah Palin for awhile longer. I'm not too worried about Sarah, I still haven't seen any reason to alter my opinion of her intelligence. Dr. Laura does concern me though, she is a Horrible Bitch, and I think she is probably just going alphabetically to get to her enemies. Anyway it's clear that the next logical step would be for me to be a mask maker. You would just be amazed at how that thing of beauty came together. If any of you are headed to a costume Halloween or Mardi Gras, I will be the mask maker to the stars. The only thing is, the mask was a little tipsy (well who wasn't)? It was pretty much taped together with, well, tape. When you order yours I will try glue and see how that works out. The feather ones at the costume store were $30. I can make you one for $4. Just don't wave it around with too much vigor.

Also I have decided to become a Life Coach. That seems like a pretty good gig doesn't it? How hard can it be? Because just to start with it's an entirely made up thing. Not that most jobs aren't as far as that goes, like for example Astronaut. Please.

I'm not as bossy as Nurse Rached, but I have lot of opinions about how people could be doing better. (See entire blog), so I think I could help you. I'm not that good at Feng Shue yet, the first thing I'm going to do is find out how to spell it. It's going to be an offshoot of my fundamental service, life coach. 

The bed faces North I know that, there should be some plants and some water, something about fire, or is that Girl Scouts? And rocks, for serenity I think. Or for self defense, I'll look into it. Even without the Feng Shui which is really just icing on the cake I assure you I can and will be a great Life Coach.

I'm pretty sure I can get you straightened out. The initial rates are going to be pretty good. You are going to want to be a charter member.

Speaking of the entire blog, I have been reading some past posts and I have to say it's holding up pretty well. It's a good idea to go back and  re-read 
random pieces once in awhile to keep you inspired. See, Life Coach!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Digging Myself a Deeper Hole

You will notice the picture at the top of the web log is different. I'm hiding from the wrath of Dr. Laura, and now Sarah Palin. I'm probably a goner.

January doesn't think Dr. Laura can hunt down everyone who thinks she is a Horrible Bitch and have said so out loud, but I think she has "people".

I have had reason to think about the internet lately, and how it works.

I mean I know about the elves and lasers and monkeys, so technically I get it. What I'm wondering about right now is how I can have had the same email address for years, but only in the last month I'm getting mail from strangers with offers (and tempting offers too) about how they can help me fix my penis situation. How do they even know about my penis situation one wonders? It's nice that there is all this interest from folks who have never even seen my penis (I like to believe) it's just odd that the subject comes up after all this time. My penis situation hasn't changed that much in the last little while.

Another thing, who reads Oprah magazine? I realize that one could reply and rightly so, "Well, apparently you do Mary" and it's true. I just wonder what people do for a living that makes them consider even briefly, paying $1000 for a pair of shoes. Oprah must pay well, I know she doesn't get it personally; she would probably pay $250,000 for a pair of shoes and not notice it. But her staff keeps coming up with this stuff. When I pay $1000 for an object I had better be able to drive it to Oregon. 

That reminds me, the Paula Deen sightings are down, and so what we need is for all of you to send this to more people. I love you all like brothers, but you seem to be a little slow. So here's what we are going to do. Right now send this to one person. Just one. If you like it, you must know one other person that would.

I have been thinking this over, and realized that if you hate it, or hate someone who would hate it, that works too. We will revisit this plan from time to time. I really don't know what else to do with you people.

I'm starting to feel the pain of PBS.

During the hippie/pioneer phase I am currently in I have been looking for ways to get around plastic, you knew that, the other thing is high fructose corn syrup. I heard a broadcast on NPR's Things You Should Know about it and why it's bad.

Turns out the high fructose corn syrup ads we all saw, about how it's all just sugar, were a teeny bit misleading. I'm not accusing a giant multinational corporation of lying, as much as I would enjoy the publicity of being sued by them. I'm afraid they would just go to the more expedient solution and get a Mafia member, or Mexican (cheaper labor, see previous post) to "rub me out".

The science of high fructose corn syrup is interesting. It renders useless, or kills, (whatever, do I look like CSI Miami?), the chemical in your stomach that tells you when you have eaten enough. Hence you eat a whole bag of cookies instead of one or two. And it's everywhere, in all kinds of things you would never guess, like bread, so I'm kind of looking out for it. American ketchup has high fructose corn syrup. In Costa Rica ketchup is made with sugar and it's quite delicious. I decided to make my own ketchup here, in the United States of America.

The other thing about the internets is, they let anybody play with them. Therefore recipes you find on line are frequently half assed. One person will post a recipe and one thousand other people will comment on it, saying how they made it and it was good, except they put different things in it. 

I looked at a bunch of ketchup recipes and finally settled on one that was half assed from the get go, so I wouldn't be surprised. For example there was a list of spices, but no thoughts or ideas on how much of each might be good. Also, in 30 minutes it was not starting to get thick, that chemistry happened about 4 hours into it.

For my first attempt I'm pretty happy, after the first several hours of cooking I didn't think it was sweet enough, so I threw in more brown sugar, which made it  a drop too sweet, (some sort of measuring would have been good but I think I was high on the internet). I couldn't taste the cayenne pepper so I ended up putting in a little too much but overall the ketchup is pretty damn good. Of course it's in a glass jar in the fridge. In all its deliciousness. 

And to come full circle both January (I'm not mad anymore) and The Apostrophe Editor looked at me like I'm slow and told me that the giant multinational corporation makes ketchup with sugar now. Well nobody told me. I bet the corn people are pissed.

Here is the recipe, in all its half assedness. I'm not kidding about the 4 hour cooking time; don't start this if you have to leave the house. 


I'm rather enjoying the Sarah Palin deal, with her daughter and potential son in law breaking up. She actually said she never liked him anyway. Really, I would have thought this might have been a really good time for a prepared statement from someone who has presidential aspirations.  "They have decided to remain friends... co-parent... blah blah blah. 

Let's do word association. 

Peanut butter



Sarah Palin
White Trash

That was just totally uncalled for.

However, I seriously do not want this woman, who by the way is "taking lessons" in American history to get up to speed, and I'm not even kidding, representing me. Just to start with, we don't need her going to Israel or Iran and saying she never liked them anyway.

And, who, as the Governor of Alaska saw something shiny and just wandered away from her job.

Her daughter is going to be on Dancing With The Stars.

Chelsea Clinton went to Stanford and Oxford and Columbia. 


I don't mean to complain, but.

The Other One's wife is going to have to come into the story here. She too was born in January we already have one of those so I'm sorry to say, her name is going to be Nurse Rached. I know we all thought it was Ratchet, but I looked it up and it isn't.

(Nurse Rached is the mother of the Princess that said I was a witch. Turns out it wasn't the insult I took it to be, I was just a character, like a cowboy, or a troll, but still.)

Anyway, Nurse Rached and The Other One said there aren't enough commas in the web log, which I am down with, I put in hundreds, I don't know where they go.

Then January said it's because my sentences run on and on. You would be appalled to know how often my children talk about me like I'm not in the room. I was standing right there and they are all just chatting away like they can't see me. At least I know what the little weasels are up to.


You know how to tell if there are too many lawyers in the world? 

When there is a disclaimer in a TV ad that says "Pictures are for illustrational purposes only". Spell check doesn't think "illustratonal" is a word and I concur

(The Comma Editor and I had a fight about this, apparently if you spell it right there is such a word. It still doesn't sound right, but who am I to argue with someone who actually checks facts?)

This came to my attention because there is a local mattress store going out of business and there are pictures of furniture in a showroom, for illustrational purposes. I have racked my brain trying to figure out what else a picture could be for. It would seem that the law profession, if that's what they want to call themselves, knows something we don't. So carry on with the illustrational pictures for now.

But watch yourself.


I'm pleased to report that some of you, and you know who you are, are paid up and can sleep the sleep of the just.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

January is the meanest girl ever. She said the blog I wrote and now have had to scrap was terrible and it was hard to read and in order to fix it I had to make it funny. It's not mean if it's true. That's not true.

Well, I'm keeping the part at the end about the Mexicans.

Big News, first of all. The Comma Editor thought I was kidding about the pay pal link so you can send me the $3 for the Paula Deen sightings. He will have to fix that.

You send money to

The news here is I am now a professional writer. We were having drinks with High School Friend and she was pretty horrified that I had not been getting the $3's from you all, so she threw in some dough. $2, so Stephen King has nothing to fear. That was all she had in cash, at least that was her story. I'm pretty sure I saw a $20 bill peeking out. I might have been able to make change. I'm going to just let that go because legally I'm a professional, so thank you High School Friend.

The moral of the story is the rest of you should be ashamed of yourselves. Feel free by the way to just hand it to me when you see me. International readers obviously will have to use Pay Pal.

Did you even know Dr. Laura was still on the radio? I love talk radio, but not her. The reason I don't like her is because she is a Horrible Bitch. She is a truly awful person, mean and arrogant and possibly the worst hypocrite on Earth. So her whole n-word thing was entertaining. I hope you got to hear some of it so you know that she is a Horrible Bitch etc. The happy result is that she is going off the air. She is spinning it that she wants her First Amendment rights, (which she actually still has, which is why she was able to put her foot in her mouth in such a flame out manner). It turns out that her sponsors are kind of not into her right now. Good riddance I say. The amusing thing about it is she's so full of herself she really doesn't get that she is wrong. I should sic January on her.

Obama was in Pioneer Freaking Square Tuesday. I am all the way pissed. We were there ONE HOUR before he walked into the Grand Central Bakery. Why was there no memo? I was right there! 

Then came the sonic booms, which by the way scared the crap out of us. It sounded to me like something blew up, not like a sonic boom. The great part of this is so many people called 911 that the system went down.

For the International Readers I will catch you up. Obama is the President of the United States. Pioneer Square is the oldest part of Seattle, cool old buildings and a square (hence the name) dappled with homeless people for some ambiance. 

Lake Washington is a lake in the city where there are quite a few float planes. One of them belongs to a couple who had been on vacation at Lake Chelan which is in Eastern Washington. They flew back, and landed in Lake Washington, which on every other day is a landing you can walk or swim away from and therefore successful. However Tuesday because Obama was in Seattle, Lake Washington was restricted air space. Oops. 

This is where it gets pretty cool. Fighter jets were scrambled from Portland Oregon, and they were here in 11 MINUTES!!! Wow awesome bomb. That's where the sonic booms came from. For someone who is a bleeding heart liberal and not that into wars, and also not much of a fan of technology, at least the technology that refuses to bend to my will, I love that. It probably cost a half million dollars, but I don't care. 

I do think the the couple should have to pick up litter in the orange vests though.

Back to the 911 calls.

  • And now that I think about how mean January is, I TOLD you I have ADD, This is short for Attention Deficit Disorder. Which means I spend a lot of time trying to remember what I was just doing. Like I put part of a load of laundry in the dryer yesterday, but not all of it.

How do you think the 911 call would go? 

"What is your emergency?"
"I heard a noise"
"Is anyone hurt?"
"Is your house on fire?'
"Did you crash your car?"
"It was a real loud noise"

I don't know where it would go from there, but I bet the 911 dispatchers were ready to leap through the phone and strangle people after a few hundred of those.

Bitchy Bit 

This isn't really bitchy, just my opinion. I am up to here with the debate over the Mexican immigration issue. 

I'm excited because I'm going to use bullet points. There is a good chance I'm not going to be able to figure out how to use the bullet points and the apostrophe editor is going to have to deal with it. But there will be bullet points.

  • We in America are here because someone related to us got up the guts to leave their city, country and family.

  • This was pre Faceplant, (which is what happens to Facebook when you sign up drunk, for once it wasn't me). Most of these people never saw their families again. They were lucky to get a letter once a year. Think on that for a minute. 
  •  The difference between our ancestors and the Mexicans now is all our ancestors had to do was figure out how to get here. If they didn't have a clear case of Smallpox or Cholera they were allowed to walk in the front door and start looking for shit work. That's the way it always works for immigrants here, except for the Irish. They  couldn't even apply for the shit work in a lot of places. Still pissed about that. 
    • Mexicans just come here for the benefits. You must go out of your house never to say that. Who is taking your plates away at the restaurant? Cleaning your hotel room? Mowing your lawn? Building houses? These people are looking for work. And see the above paragraph? They are doing the shit work. I am amazed at the lack of anger at the companies that are employing illegals. A few years ago Walmart got busted for having illegal Mexicans working as cleaning crews in their stores. They got around it, or tried to by saying they contracted the cleaning crews and had no idea the workers were illegal. Yeah, Walmart had no idea. No idea.

    • Speak English. A lot of the folks who are foaming at the mouth over the Mexicans don't have a real firm grip on the language themselves. Once I hear "I seen them" as far as I'm concerned, you are no longer a player in the discussion. ALL SECOND GENERATION AMERICANS SPEAK ENGLISH. It's absolutely common for the first generation to depend on their English speaking kids to conduct business. Millions of first generation immigrants from all over the world never learned English, all of their kids did.

    • Mexicans are criminals and gang members. Well, no shit. But you know what? There are criminals and bad guys all over the place. I could be wrong, but the last time I checked the Mafia (not Mexican) is still numero uno in the crime department, maybe they just have a better publicist. 
    •  The notion that Mexicans are coming here to have "Anchor Babies". Now there's a Christian phrase. But it does bring us back to the whole who deserves to be here. When I hear people screaming about the whole immigration thing I become hyper aware that I didn't do a damn thing to become a American citizen and neither did they. We literally were born here before the door was slammed shut and furthermore I'm not sure I would have the guts to go through what the Mexicans are going through to get here.

    • There is no doubt that there are people coming here for the benefits, but most of them are coming for the benefit of being in America. I just think the racist vitriol should be damped down a little. We can figure out what should be done without all the name calling. The Mexicans have the same ratio of good guys and jerks as all the other ethnic groups 

    • Ok, I wash my hands of the Mexicans.
    I was right about the bullet points, the damn things are everywhere, a plethora. The Apostrophe Editor has his work cut out for him.
    A Good Thing

    As you may have heard, I am having a big ol' fight with plastic. I believe I am bringing plastic to its knees. At least single use plastic. One of the problems I have been having is running out of things like shampoo and liquid dish soap. (Turns out powdered laundry detergent does take a layer of skin off). So, I took an old shampoo bottle into PCC, (International readers, it's a hippy type organic store chain in Seattle), anyway, they have all this stuff in bulk. 

    I was all twanged out because the shampoo bottle was 32 ounces. WTF, we use the not metric system here in the US of A, and that means there should have been 36 ounces. I decided since I'm pretty rich, I'll just pay for the other 4 ounces, because the PCC bottles they sell are 36 ounces in the correct American style. But, they just charged me by the ounce, and now I am even more rich because they give you a 25 cent bonus for bringing in your own bottle!

    The happy moral of the story is you have right now in your house, all the plastic bottles you need for the rest of your life. I know, it's exciting. You're welcome.

    Another good thing, twice this week I have seen family members with waxed paper sandwich bags, one of whom was January and I'm still mad at her, so she isn't getting a shout out.

    But Roselator is, she said she picked them out. She is 7, it's pretty intense having to justify this whole plastic thing to her. She will accept absolutely not one statement about plastic being bad at face value, she argues about it constantly and I'd better be able to document. It's because the Apostrophe Editor is her father.

    There were no new Paula Deen sightings, so you still only owe me $3.

    Friday, July 30, 2010

    I've been on vacation, but I'm back. It wasn't a real vacation. I didn't go anywhere much, but I wasn't hassling you about your plastic usage or bitching because you are not getting through your summer reading list, so, I think you had a bit of a vacation too.

    One thing we did that is now really out of date, but still true, we went to the Pride parade in Seattle, mainly because it's about a 3 minute walk from here and it's historically worth the effort if it's sunny and a reasonable time of day. The folks that are in the parade and the folks that watch are a show, it's fun. This year for some reason I started wondering this; if a disproportionate number of hairdressers are gay, which is kind of true, (this is going to another place where a fact checking editor would come in handy because I just totally made that up) why is there so much bad hair running around in the gay community. Maybe it was just a bad day, but here are the pictures, you be the judge.

    While I was spacing out/on vacation I took some stuff to Goodwill, I do from time to time. I was almost there with a bunch of books and I had a panic moment where I had to stop the car on the side of the road and page through all of the books to make sure there was nothing in there. This precipitated  by an experience we had a couple of years ago. January and That One owed us $400 for some reason, and I was at their house reading The Hotel New Hampshire (I recommend Highly! by John Irving) on their couch, when That One handed me 4 one hundred dollar bills. Apparently I put them in the book as a kind of bookmark, then forgot all about it. At some point I realized there was a bunch of money missing from my life and had a fit that went on and off for months really. About 6 months later The Comma Editor was cleaning out his office at work and found the book in a bag of stuff that was supposed to be recycled.

    The moral of the story is do not use $100 bills for bookmarks. I feel I should not have to say that out loud, if you have been paying attention you would know this whole story was meant to be a cautionary tale.

    I know the political thing is a drag for you all, especially the International Readers, but the deal in Seattle right now is this tunnel  proposal that sounds like a bit of a bad idea. It's the largest deep bore tunnel of it's kind ever attempted. In the world. The engineers are almost pretty positive it will work. Probably. They are going to have, and I'm not even kidding some sort of tilt meter, so if they tunnel under a 20 story building and it's not going all that great, a buzzer will go off, or something so they know they are too close. I'm not sure how that helps. I'm guessing they aren't going to stop the whole thing, but on the other hand I would think there would be some sort of outcry if a condo building was laying sideways in the street. I guess we will find out. I'm just hoping like hell it isn't my condo building. My bananas will become bruised.

    Bitchy Bit

    The goddammit plastic bag problem is still driving me mad, we have decided to attempt another quest, or whatever you call it. I'm pretty partial to questing.

    The challenge will be to go to 10 stores, 3 times and buy one thing, that would have no reason to be put in a bag, and see if they put it in a plastic bag anyway. Then I will email the stores and tell them my results. That's been working like a charm.  I swear, I have to practically hog tie a lot of clerks to make them not give me a bag.

    As usual I haven't thought this all the way through. What can I buy 30 of ? It can't be a candy bar type thing, because in defense of clerks, if it looks like something you might eat right now they will usually  ask about the bag. The only other thing I can think of is light bulbs, but I probably won't live long enough to use 30 of them. Cans of cat food? That could work. Cans of soup? that would be good, and I could donate them to a place where you donate soup. I guess there isn't any good reason why I couldn't  just eat the soup as far as that goes. I don't know, anyway that's the thing. Plastic is bad.

    I emailed QFC about their stupid bag policy, but they didn't seem to give much of a rip. Trader Joes either, this will continue, but I think I may need the help of the followers, all 24 of you.

    I wrote a letter to QFC and told them all they had to do was put out a memo that said and I quote: "If it looks like a person doesn't need a bag ask them if they want one."  Insert giant sigh here.

    Good Thing

    This is my favorite new idea, it's great. It's to make me make money. Every time there is a Paula Deen sighting, witnessed by a well, witness, you have to send me a dollar. This week there is a three dollar tab. This isn't like a chain letter where your name goes at the top or bottom or however that works, you will not be getting any money, only me. So to make sure we have it clear. Three dollars. Cash money.

    There is a deal on Blogspot where you can sign up to "monetize" your blog, something about ads, (since so far the Bud Light people aren't advertising so I don't think that whole thing is very legit), anyway, I said sure and was supposed to read a bunch of fine print, but you don't have to, you can hit  "continue!"It's way easier. I'm guessing there is going to be a law suit down the road. So don't forget the 3 dollars.

    Your weekly expense may increase, I need a haircut, and the longer it gets the more Paula Deen I look, so next week this could cost you more than three dollars. Get a part time job I guess.

    Tuesday, June 29, 2010


    I know the International Reader's aren't going to get it (or WILL THEY??), but I'm being driven mad by a mattress company here in Seattle (probably it's really a national company) that advertises cheap deals on beds because the mattresses and box springs don't match. Well, at first it seemed sort of sweet that they were trying to give the mattresses and box springs a good home like mixed race puppies, but it just occurred to me that this has been going on for about 15 years and the fact that they can't seem to get their fabric situation going on is beginning to seem indicative of a lack of organizational skills.

    I know it can't be easy getting the last mattress and the first box spring synced up, like trying to jump on a merry-go-round, but Jesus, maybe the 5 year goal down at the mattress/box spring factory should be fabric matching.

    It's sad to listen to the commercials, the mattress people are clearly busted up about the problem and don't know what to do, other than to sell them cheap, because damn it, it happened again. Maybe they should scale back to one fabric until they get their sea legs.


    You know how the World Cup has been going on for about a month? I'm not sure how it works but I think if your country can come up with a soccer ball you are in. Isn't it just tiresome? There are about a million teams, and all they do is play soccer. Soccer is boring as shit.


    I went to the grocery store and brought a plastic container and had the person put some salad in it. The guy behind the counter was real confused. He put the price tag label on an empty plastic bag and handed it to me obviously unclear how to deal with a person who didn't want a new plastic thing. I peeled the tag off of the plastic bag and gave it back, then put the label on the top of my plastic container lid and it was fine. It was a little Laurel and Hardy there for a minute, but we got through it.

    I did the same thing with a glass container I brought to QFC, the woman just zeroed out the scale and weighed the noodley stuff, and that was that.

    I went to Starbucks with a cup, and I don't even know why it was just a ceramic mug and not a travel mug. I do really, but it would take a long time to tell you and it's not that interesting, so anyway. The Starbucks chick didn't bat an eye, and I didn't use plastic or paper. Try it. Just do it every time really. There is an argument that the travel mug is better, for one thing there is a lid.


    There was a thing on the news about a kid at the zoo who was flapped at by a peacock. There are a bunch of peacocks that run around loose on the grounds of the zoo, they are pretty big birds, true. So this kid was running up to it repeatedly and the bird finally flew up and scratched the kid. I feel sorry for the little guy, but the parents (who were probably not watching until "The Incident" are "hoping for a new situation with the peacocks" or some such shit. Look at a peacock head, their brains are not very big, they have no problem solving abilities. Then look at the parents heads, well that didn't work. Keep the damn kid from hassling the damn bird, we don't need a lawsuit. Doesn't mean we aren't going to get one.             

    This is just a fact, a lot of places would be way more fun if they screened the mean, stupid little kids and didn't let them in. Here is how you start the screening process. If the parent say's for example "Jefferson The Third, are you using your sharing skills?"  Little Jefferson is at that moment pushing, elbowing or taking something out of the hand of a smaller child. The parent should be saying "Knock it off, give it back, it's not your turn." And get a grip on the kid, literally if they don't straighten up. I am sick to death of little snots running around the Zoo, and Aquarium and other kid places and make it a miserable experience for the polite nice kids. My kids and grand kids are the nice ones. I also say "knock it off," if necessary.

    International Readers, this part is just a rant about stupid people, I guess I didn't really need to say that, but it's very Seattle/Northwest so it may not be riveting for you. This is my blog I get to decide. It's not mean if it's true.

    The question was whether to sign a petition to repeal taxes the legislature just passed on water in bottles, candy, and  beer, all things that are unnecessary for life and probably actually life threatening.

    The thing that pissed me off is, we were going to an event, (OK, Beer Festival, I wanted that to sound way more cultural. I don't know what happened I just couldn't leave it alone).

    There is one initiative I signed, but it didn't involve undoing recent legislation. The one I won't sign does repeal legislation that just went into effect this month. It's not a great piece of  legislation, and it's not going to work for long, but basic services are going to be cut if it's repealed.  The guy at the booth was all over the reason. (These guys are now paid per signature) "No taxation without representation right?" I think I was pretty nice, I didn't say dumb ass out loud to my credit, but what the hell do people think the legislature is? There is your representation. Vote, Genius.

    The part people don't know? The plastic bottle people are hysterical! They have $1,000,000 on the line, JUST IN THIS STATE, to make this tax go away. Coca Cola does not care if there are basic health care services for children. They care that you buy filtered tap water in a bottle for your journey across the parking lot

    I'm starting to get it, there are "Grades" Not sure what that means, more later.


    I know, you thought you had already successfully made it to the other side of the bitchy bit didn't you?

    Driving AGAIN!

    When you are driving along in Seattle, especially FIRST AVE, it is your JOB to turn your blinker light on at least by the middle of the block, if you are going to turn left. DO NOT SIT AT A RED LIGHT IN THE LEFT LANE, THEN WHEN THE LIGHT TURNS GREEN TURN YOUR GODDAMMIT SIGNAL ON. Now I'm stuck behind you for at least one light cycle, and one of these days I'm going to get out and punch you in the nose. DO NOT SAY YOU WERE NOT WARNED.

    Hmmm, now for a good thing.

    I feel slightly ridiculous, I am not immune to advertising, I just talk a good game. Since we are so into the no plastic thing, thinking about how to get around it is becoming automatic.The Comma Editor wanted a margarita at home so we got all the stuff, except the orange juice that he puts on top. We were at the second store and couldn't find the brand that's in a carton only. We finally gave up and got the one with the little plastic lid. We were all the way home when it finally occurred to me that a good way to get orange juice without any plastic is to squeeze it out of an orange.

    Those advertisers are good.

    I just re-read this, The Comma Editor may not let me have commas, but I have all the other punctuation parts!

    Thursday, June 17, 2010

    The Comma Editor was walking down the street the other day and a guy asked him if he could spare $1300.

    What do you suppose that was all about? I bet it was a former WAMU exec who thinks he still has a boat payment.

    I'm OK with occasionally giving a street person a buck or two, but I expect something for it. We were out once with the More Jokes and Everything Else Editor and a guy came up and asked her if she liked poetry. She said yes. There was an awkward deal where he spouted some indecipherable crap that was supposed to be a poem and we ended up having to give him a dollar, and she went stomping away saying "What the hell did I say that for?! I hate poetry." Well who doesn't? Hating poetry is a learned behavior, and I'm proud to say I may have been a little bit of an influence. I think it's good to pay your prejudices forward. After Ogdan Nash and Shel Silverstein I'm out of here.

    When we first moved to Seattle we were walking around downtown one afternoon, when some guy came up with a rose and gave it to me. We gave him a dollar, then a few blocks later some other guy came up to us to let us  know  that the first guy had stolen the rose from a flower shop. Well, a couple of things, if you are enough of a bonehead to keep a vase of roses on the sidewalk in front of your shop in Belltown don't come crying to me, and second, is there a Dickensian (Dickensonian) style network of bums in Seattle? Homeless gentlemen, excuse me. How did the second guy know about the first guy and me?

    You know what's starting to piss me off?  One of the things.

    Have you recently tried to pay a bill or get some information about a business or store or whatever and gone to the website but you can't find the information you need so you caved in and called the phone number?

    Do you remember how annoying we used to think the elevator music on hold was?  Or the hold music on the elevator for that matter.You know what is exactly one million times more annoying? The recording telling you that you can do this ONLINE! Just check out the website!



    Also, you know how when you call some one's phone and get the answering machine message? In 1970 having a phone answering machine was the BOMB, but nobody said that yet.

    Nobody says that anymore either.

    The point is, I do not need to hear, in 2010 that I can leave a message after the beep and that I can call dial 5 to call the person back or whatever it is. Alright, this is losing a little bit of focus because I can't actually remember what the whole horseshit recording says, but you know what I'm talking about. It would take way too much time to call someone and tell them not to answer the phone and then call them back, and listen to it, but I could. The message has been the same for YEARS, and by now we know how to leave a Goddammit phone message. It takes 5 MINUTES every time someone doesn't answer their phone, to get to the part where I say, and I quote, "call me" I'm sick of it. The thing is I can't even imagine who to call to leave a message about it.

    Speaking of being unfocused, I was watching Last Comic Standing and I was reminded of a true story. I alluded to it before in a past blog, but I'm irritated to report that some people are not memorizing this web log like poetry. Right now is a great time to look up the phrase "Ahoist on your own petard"  I'll give you a hint; It means you shot yourself in the foot.

    It was the time I got from where I live in Seattle to where I worked in Woodinville in the wholesale (plant, not baby) nursery. International Readers, Woodinville is suburban town about 40 minutes away, so by the time you get there, it just makes no sense to turn back. I don't exactly remember how I got all the way to work without any shoes, but you know various things happen. Fortunately, there was a Target close enough to work, so that's where I went.

    As a rule I'm pretty oblivious, but at 7:30 in the morning at that Target they were having some sort of rah-rah team building situation, like they used to show the Japanese doing when they ran the world for a few minutes in the '80's.What you don't want to do is walk into the pep rally with beige pants and a red tee shirt (what the hell are the chances?) barefoot.

    It didn't turn out that badly. I quickly, with my genius brain assessed the situation and just went striding through the store until I found the flip flop department. I paid a kid who seemed oblivious to the fact that our outfits matched and got the hell out.  It was James Bondesque.

    I just offer this up as a cautionary tale. It's 6:30 AM; do you know where your shoes are?  Socks?

    Carry on.

    Oh Man

    Just when you think it's over, well let's just say, when a door closes a window opens, or another door could be anything opening.

    It's just that I thought I had blown through all the good signs around Seattle, but the city never lets me down.

     Now don't you feel like an idiot? I know, me too, now with the instruction booklet it seems so obvious.

    Preachy Bit!

    I was thinking about how in Costa Rica the water or power will just go off for an hour or two for whatever reason. You quickly learn to cope, and it isn't a big deal, to plan for no water between 9 and 11, or just get over it when it cuts out for no reason. Where did we get the idea that we are entitled to unlimited power and water? Just a thought. I know, we are Americans. We don't know where we got the idea, it just is. But Canadians and Mexicans don't have the right to unlimited water and power.

    I am working on getting past the environmental subject. Hold the applause I said trying. I was reading the wrapper of the toilet paper called Seventh Generation. The name came from the notion from Native Americans that it's prudent to consider the consequences of your actions to the Seventh Generation. If we did that we would be done here and I'd be off your back.

    The reason I was reading the wrapper in the first place is I thought it said post consumer paper at first, but after a while, I started to wonder if there were some post consumer wood chips going on, I can't figure out what that would even be, but damn. A happy by product is that if for some reason you need something to read through, this stuff is the deal.  It's a weird combo I know. I'm just reporting here. One wonders what they were trying to make.

    A Good Thing

    It's farmer's market season, and every neighborhood has one within walking distance. The flower bouquets are a steal, and will make you happy for days. Happier.

    Tuesday, June 8, 2010

    OK, maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't do the Hard Rock, that might have been Planet Hollywood. I bet that place is terrible too. Whatever. I liked Kindergarten Cop but don't tell anybody. I may have to consider bringing another editor on board for fact checking, but the editors I already have are underemployed. I can't get it together to send the web log to them early, which means the Comma Editor has it all on his shoulders. So how its working now is, I post the blog and then listen to the Editors tell me where I screwed up after it's in the world. I realize that is the role of an editor, it's my own fault. But it still stings.

    I was just looking at last week's web log, I don't think that girl's bikini fits right.

    Sometime last week I was listening to NPR, really I'm as intellectual as the next guy. (Spell check had to tell me how to spell intellectual), and there was a story about a woman who had a snake crawl out of her air conditioner vent. Someone asked her if she was afraid, and she said "Well, somebody crapped in my pants". I'm telling you this in case you think NPR is too full of serious reviews of The Middle East Situation and what not. They do have a lot of that, of course, the Middle East is going to blow it's damn self up before it's over with. If Jimmy Carter couldn't make a dent its just inevitable. They hate each other, and we should turn our attentions to problems that we can fix. Anyway, NPR has some good stuff. See it always gets back to radio somehow. I love radio.

    Let us turn our attentions to problems we can solve. The Middle East? No. BP Oil?, No. Well that's not entirely true, Obama is going to kick their ass. Asses. The fact that there are people who would vote for Sarah Palin? Sadly, no. Well what then? I'm thinking, I'll let you know.

    Here's one.

    And I'm sorry to say, this is Not What Jesus Would Do

    I called a perfect stranger a really bad word today. What happened was, we were walking up First Ave on our way home and some guy threw an empty cigarette box in the gutter. I think he was a taxi driver, (perhaps I should have been more careful), Anyway I turned around and picked up the box and held it out and said "You dropped this", he said "No I didn't" and I tried to hand it to him, and he wouldn't take it. That's where the bad, bad name came from. The Comma Editor was watching, he didn't hear the verbal exchange, so later when I told him what went on, he said "Well that explains the look on his face."

    I am just up to here with a-holes doing that shit. People live in a Society. We have garbage cans,  (and red lights) and worst case, say we didn't. We have garbage cans in our homes do we not? I have dragged garbage around for hours or days in order to not throw it on the ground. I expect you to do the same.

    And just not that shit, we need to be civilized, which means being thoughtful outside of ourselves. Who is in charge of teaching fundamental manners, because that's all we are talking about?

    Say please. Hold the door when there is obviously someone right after you. Use your Goddammit head. Do unto others. I have a tendency to ask if people were raised by wolves, but I understand that there is no reason to insult the child rearing skills of wolves. Humans, that's a different story. 

    Don't worry, to finish the story, at the next set of garbage/recycling cans I took the cellophane off the outside  of the cigarette box, and the foil from the inside and recycled the box part. I know, I'm awesome. The true story is, I smoked for a long time and that routine got to be automatic.

    The thing is, this is a microcosmic bit of what's going on. You can mess up your place, but you don't get to be a lazy bastardo in mine. Bastardo is bastard in Spanish, I looked it up

    We went bowling last week, I realize this is a non-sequitur but most of this is, so let us not agonize over it.  Point Is, I bowled the worst I ever have in my whole life and I finally realized why. The last time we went, I bowled the best game of my life. This morning I did the slap the forehead thing. I forgot to watch The Big Lebowski!

    Stupid Stupid Stupid. Bowling, like any sport is just about training.

    This is the long awaited picture of all the plastic we used in a month.

    Pretty good huh? I'm pretty proud of us. The Comma Editor mainly, he has been dealing with shopping way more than I have. I wanted to put my hand in the picture so you could see how small the pile is, but the Comma Editor gets all pissy when I do that. He said one time that every Goddamn picture we took in Costa Rica has either my foot or my hand in it. Well of course they do, how else are you going to know how large the bug or how small the turtle? I have a pedicure for crying out loud, and a good ring. Shut up Comma Editor.

    Okay. This is the comma editors foot. I made him do it.

    I could make fun of people who drink water out of bottles right now, but I'm saving it.


    Alright, I can't wait.

    Someone did a study of pretty young kids and their ability to wait for rewards. The kids got so many M&M's right now, or more if they waited. The kids who waited for a reward actually did better later in life. Makes sense. I am not going to wait. What does that tell us? You can discuss this among yourselves later.

    In the old days, about 15 years ago, (you might as well sit down, this gets a little complicated). You would be going about your day and it would enter your consciousness that  some water would be good, because you were thirsty. Here's how we handled it then. You went into the kitchen, got a glass, turned on the water, put that in the glass, then drank it. I don't remember what happened after that, someone took care of the glass. We had people.
    That's all I've got.

    No plastic bottle that would end up in the ocean, just the glass of water. Sometimes you would go for several hours without access to water. Yeah, we were pioneers, it was intense. Say you were shopping or on a car ride.You would just have a glass of water when you got there. Nuts huh? I personally am not acquainted with anyone who died as a result of not having water in their hand at all times. But I heard it happened to the cousin of a girl I knew. The bottled water people clearly are waaaaay smarter than I am, so don't listen to me. I'm just saying how it was before the Coca Cola company brought us enlightenment. ENLIGHTENMENT,  I meant to say. Thank you Jesus, and Coca Cola.

    The Good Thing this week is, I was at a Mariners game last week with That One, and the opposing team hit a home run and the guy who caught it threw it back out onto the field. That just always makes me happy.

    See you next week, forward this on. I know where you live.

    Tuesday, June 1, 2010


    I'm on a roll, of confusion. January accuses me of being unfocused, and one of the Canadians likes it, I'm not sure which Canadian, obviously That One and The Other One are messing with me.

    The Plastic Diet is still a pain, but we are learning some things. Homemade sour cream and buttermilk biscuits are better than not homemade ones. The Comma Editor is going to try English Muffins, which I think could  go either way really. Doesn't that seem hard? But it has to be tried since we can't figure out how to get around buying them without a plastic bag. So far all the things we have made, and by "we" I mean the Comma Editor, have been better than manufactured.

    I have a problem with eating breakfast at home when I'm working. It kind of seems odd now that I see it in print, but I'm not making enough for a therapist so we are just living with it. Anyway, I eat in the car on the way, therefore I need a method of holding my food together. I've used English muffins up to now, but the homemade biscuits are better than factory English muffins. I haven't had the homemade English muffins yet, don't worry I'll keep you posted. I already knew about the homemade buttermilk biscuits being better of course, I'm not not Martha Stewart. But I admit I did not know you could make sour cream out of cream and sour.

    The other night I was sitting around the place with my feet on the footstool, and noticed once again that my feet are all dried out. (The Comma Editor hates my feet. I can have all the pedicures I want as long as he gets to stay out of it.)  As I sometimes do, I said to myself  "What would Jesus do?" I'm not very religious, but the one thing the Catholics didn't ruin for me is the concept of Jesus being a good guy. I was started out with the Old Testament and the hair shirts and whatnot, we ran out of Catholic school money before I got to the non-scary part of Christianity.

    The "anoint the feet with oil" popped into my head. (That is straight out of the Bible, I'm almost positive. I think Mary Magdalene was tangled up in it somehow.) I don't really know what anoint means, I'm thinking rub. Anyway I usually use suntan oil, which works fine, but it comes in a plastic bottle, of course, and I ran out a month or more ago. I was mulling it over and realized that Jesus was in the Jerusalem area and what grows there? Olives! And what do we make out of olives? Tapenade, I know, but try to focus. Olive oil is the correct answer.

     All you have to do is get some, rub it on and you're done. It's fabulous! Why one wonders, would I pay eight dollars for a bottle of suntan oil, when I can use a twelve dollar bottle of olive oil? I'd rather wear it than eat it too, so that's a bonus.

    Here comes the . . .


    We were at the hippy grocery store that sells bulk dish washing detergent and other liquid things, the dish washing liquid seemed really expensive, because we are used to paying $1.69 for a 16 oz bottle more or less, and the hippy stuff is about $6.00. What we need to mull over is that perhaps we will value the more expensive product and waste less. I know this, and I know it isn't an original thought, yet I have to remind myself over and over. Cheap is not the same as good. And furthermore, maybe sometimes none is better. I know, I know. Pinko Commie.

    This is here to keep the Canadians attention.
    They like pictures.

    Business schools teach that we have to sell each other stuff or we will perish from an economic meltdown, but it's starting to look a little bit like we may perish from an environmental one first. Or dead heat.

    The hall of shame plastic picture will be published next week, we did pretty well I think. We have learned that plastic shows up when you least expect it. We have seriously agonized over how to avoid it, and still been blindsided. Straws in drinks? Dammit. Vegetarians understand this, when food comes with bacon bits on it, it's maddening. Who the hell does that??  You don't tell them not to because it never occurs to you that one would put a plastic thing in, or a bacon bit on. And the bacon bit people and the plastic people think they are doing you a favor. But they aren't.

    OK enough of the PREACHY BIT,  we move on to the. . .


    The Hard Rock opened a place in Seattle a few months ago.

    Do Not Go There
    We went in because it is close to where we were walking around, near the Market, (International Readers The Pike Place Market is the best part of Seattle, Google it) and we thought we would check it out. Jesus God.

    Seriously, we were in there for an hour and a half, I told the Comma Editor finally that this must be what being in a minimum security prison is like. Not that unpleasant, but finally you just feel like you've done your time and want out. The service was abysmal, the food was abysmal. It was just foul. I always thought Arnold Schwarzenegger is kind of a not Rhodes Scholar, but divorcing himself from that mess took a couple of IQ points, although now that I think about it, it was probably his version of our Kirk that told him to bail.

    Shame on me, I knew better than to go into a giant corporate place, instead of supporting a small Seattle one, and I got what I deserved.

    Bacon bits. I asked for no bacon bits and I got...

    Cold bacon bits.

    In my quest for non plastic we ventured into a store that has all good stuff for the planet, looking for toilet paper. Well, the Comma Editor believes that it's made out of recycled plastic, but it isn't. It's made out of 80% post consumer paper. How bad that could be was a surprise.  I'm just saying that leaves would be a lateral move. And they are free.

    A good thing, Roselator named this edition, and it's pretty apt. The part about the olive oil captured her attention.

    This is late again, and it's full of Plastic Talk, the happy thing is you can't get fired from your own blog. HA!

    Less Plastic next week, Canucks.

    Wednesday, May 26, 2010

    Hippier Than Thou

    In my picture at the top of the blog, (web log, let's practice what we preach!) you can see the paper towel dispenser. I like it quite a little, it goes with the stainless steel stuff. Well we have a NEW USE! I really haven't used a paper towel for weeks and for me it's a bit like quitting smoking or heroin so I'm pretty proud of myself. I took the roll of paper towels off and now I'm using it for a dryer for plastic bags. When you reuse plastic bags you must swish them around in soapy water and get them all clean, then what? Especially if you live in a tiny condo? You reduce re-use recycle!

    One of the many fabulous things about this here web log is the Comma Editor is going to have it in black and white for the doctors when he needs to document the road I took to crazy ville.

    The plastic diet is depressing. Go into a store, it doesn't even matter what kind and look around. The plastic surrounding you, I don't know, just think about it. I'm not sure what to say except don't buy it unless not buying it is life threatening. I guess not eating is kind of life threatening. But cooking food from scratch is an option even though the corporate types spend a ton of money to make us think otherwise.

    Write to manufactures, they do listen, maybe a little. The new Sun Chips bags that compost is a start, in a measly fashion. Have you heard these new bags? They sound like thunder. I don't know why I find that amusing. There is even a note on the bags that explain exactly nothing except that you aren't hearing things. The bags are just crazy loud. I don't think even the people at the factory know what happened there. It's telling that the Frito Lay  folks started with the composting bags with the relatively hippy dippy Sun Chip bags, I bet they are hoping the Pork Rind crowd and the Sun Chip group don't meet up. Fisticuffs!

    The reason we are using and tossing all this plastic of course is because we now believe that easy is the same as happy.

    PREACHY! I like it!

    I'm adding a Preachy Bit to the lineup.

    OK, how many of you are finished with your reading list? None of you? No surprise here. I never cease to be amazed by the lack of interest in our food chain. I'm just saying. I'm adding Animal, Vegetable, Miracle to the list. I haven't finished it yet but it's good. You might as well not read that one too.


    Irregardless, we must move on.

    Hah, you know I wasn't really using the word IRREGARDLESS, because there is no such word!

    Notate that.

    There is some good news of course. The plastic diet is going to overlap in terms of thinking about what we are using and where it comes from. The hairspray made out of sugar actually works pretty well. I put lavender oil in it so it smells good, and so far not a sign of a bee. However it's only May, the bees may be gathering. 

    This part is really great. We made, well the Comma Editor did but I'm taking credit anyway, deodorant that works just dandy. A disclaimer already though. One of the family members had a reaction, probably to the tea tree oil. I haven't had any issues, but if you have sensitive skin, beware. 

    Today was Ride Your Bike to Work Day, my favorite holiday as you know.

    It's good that the churros are being utilized. In honor of the holiday I didn't run over any. Well of course I ran over the GD churros because they are everywhere. I didn't run over a bicyclist though. I would like to clarify that I am fine with people riding bikes. I'm not fine with them riding in Downtown Seattle in a Superior Way. The streets aren't built for them. Damn squirrels.

    By the way, which one of you is working on my jet pack? I don't even have any drawings yet.

    I'm introducing a new topic here. I'm giving you credit for keeping up with the changes. 

    As a card carrying bleeding heart liberal (as you know) of course I enjoy watching my tax money being thrown away. Sometimes on Saturday morning I get up early to watch my congressman Jim McDermott bring a sack of money to the beach and throw handfuls of dollar bills into Puget Sound. Imagine how much I am enjoying seeing these signs.


    The beauty of this one is our tax money is actually being used brilliantly. You can turn this one upside down or sideways and it makes just as much sense. Four times the use for one price I say, go government! Do I want these people running my health care? NO, I'm not sure they are going to know where my gizzard is, in case it needs work.

    Myrtle Edwards Park, you know really, it doesn't hurt to be extra clear.This one makes up for the last one.


    Lowe's doors. Now see, it's just not the government, there is a lot of dumb to go around. I just wish they would stick to placing ads on automatic doors and stop drilling oil in the Gulf of Mexico.

    I have no idea what they are advertising on these moving billboards, but it's nice that they remind us that we got all the way to the store and forgot our Goddammit bags again. Thanks QFC. Put the signs on the poles in the parking lot. I'm old, and I have ADD.

    Actual run over tulips would be more attractive than this. Now that tulip season is over, shouldn't it say children or something?

    We have had enormous technical difficulties this week, which explains why this is 2 days late. 
    The comma editor has figured out how to make it easier to make comments. There's a BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR if I ever saw one. 

    Be Nice!


    Tuesday, May 18, 2010

    Oh Suzanna!

    Well, we are just pioneers here, not the kind that goes where no man has gone before. The kind that has a mule.

    The plastic diet is truly a pain in the ass. You can't buy anything. Thank God for Happy Hour. We would have starved by now. Actually we have a lot of vegetables, and you can get a couple of kinds of cheese at Metropolitan Market wrapped in paper. If you want something besides cheddar or Swiss you are SOL, but you can make a living off of that as my Uncle Jerry used to say. We are noticing a dearth of Parmesan, but one suffers for ones principles.

    I would like to report some victories. One of the readers, (not a follower however), cleaned out her fridge and washed the bottles of weirdness out and recycled the containers instead of throwing the whole thing in the trash, which is commendable, because as you know it's not that much fun cleaning out old mustard and whatnot. It seems like it's not that bad to throw it all away, but it is because we have to remember that our bad behavior is being replicated millions of times by other people who think it's not that much. Wow make that into a sentence if you dare Comma Editor.

    Speaking of the Comma Editor, he made tortillas out of scratch that were wow awesome bomb. That is an expression that Roselator made up when she was about three. It means the best of the best. Now we aren't going to be able to buy tortillas from Rosarita or whatever she calls herself, anymore. Never mind the plastic, tortillas are just considerably better homemade. You can make some really good burritos without a hint of plastic, and now that we know the Comma Editor can make tortillas, well the sky's the limit, eh? (That was for the Canadians, I'm checking to see if they are reading). Sorry about the Canucks dudes. Now so you know whats up, the Chicago Blackhawks are the Yankees.

    Furthermore! You can make hairspray and deodorant! Out of stuff!

    Saturday morning the Comma Editor and our friend Other Grandma who had spent the night were up talking and running the damn coffee grinder and talking really loud and waking your corespondent up. I finally got up and wandered into the living room and sat around fuming in a sleepy way when the Comma Editor bounded up and just squirted my hair with a spray bottle, which as it turned out was the hair spray which was made out of sugar and water, cooked, so Simple Syrup! Rawther a rude way to wake up the rest of the way, but harmless ultimately. You need to put some lavender essential oil in to keep the bees from coming to your hair. Small price to pay I say. It actually works better than you would think. As I said before, I'm not that into my hair anyway. A side note. Doesn't putting lavender oil in seem counter intuitive? Don't bees love lavender? I guess we will find out as spring progresses. 

    The ingredients in a bottle of hairspray are pretty intimidating, I've never paid attention before. I guess I just thought it was sticky stuff and if I bought it in a spray bottle instead of an aerosol can that was enough, but now I see the error of my ways.

    Now for the deodorant part. It is: baking soda, corn starch, shortening, and tea tree oil. Tea tree oil smells foul, just so you know but I guess it's antibacterial. (I'm not even sure there is such a thing as a tea tree.) That's it. Not sure what the proportions are since I haven't actually tried it yet, but someone on the internet said it's great, so how wrong can you go?
    I know you can use baking soda to brush your teeth, so when we run out of tooth paste we will be fine.

    Another side note. When I used to smoke I brushed my teeth with baking soda one time then lit a cigarette. The worst taste of all time. Really really awful. So let that be a lesson to you about brushing your teeth.

    We had to buy light bulbs in the traditional corrugated cardboard package, the Comma editor couldn't buy the ones he wanted, the more energy efficient twirly type, because he said they were in the packages you have to open with scissors and dynamite. I asked him how that works, he said scissors first.

    I would give you a good thing of the week but I think you might explode what with the tortillas and the hairspray and all the rest.

    I haven't been paying much attention to politics this week, and what I have is Seattle based, so I'm taking the Apostrophe Editors word for it and leaving it alone.

    Just one thing. I heard on the way home on the radio that BP Oil is giving Louisiana and Florida millions of dollars to promote tourism. Seriously. The new brochures are going to say "Just wipe it off, it's good as new!" 


    Monday, May 10, 2010

    Plastic, yikes



    The good news is no matter how bad your week was, you probably haven't destroyed  an entire eco-system. I suppose there is an argument that we all did collectively. In my defense I would have voted for more redundancy in safety equipment and then paid more for gas, but who wouldn't now?  Like when someone falls down the stairs and  then someone in the crowd says "Be careful!" Hey BP Oil, be careful!

    The silver lining here  for the liberal Dem's is of course  the response to: (Sneering) "So, do you want the Government running health care?" NO, I want BP Oil, no wait, Goldman Sachs, no, no, WA MU. The free market obviously has our best interest at heart and strives to cut no corners.

    This is week two of the Plastic Diet. Now that I'm here, let us talk about plastic spoons, and forks. And advertising.

    Of course you don't want to use the family silver if you are camping or having an off site picnic, but using plastic seems silly since you can buy pieces of flatware at Goodwill for 20 cents if you're that worried about it. Therefore the sell becomes: if you use plastic you can throw it away! The part that makes no sense is throwing it away. Just toss it back in the bag at the end of the picnic and wash it when you get home for Christ's sake, you can put it in the dishwasher. How did we get to the place where we throw away perfectly functional things and get pissey when someone points out that it's STUPID? (Um, that would be me.)

    I will explain. Companies like Dow Chemical (for example) have scientists and engineers and designers and all sorts or people who come up with new products. Most of the time these items aren't especially wonderful, but the Dow Chemical dudes have to make us think they are, otherwise we won't pay money for it. Plastic silverware and paper plates don't really make sense especially if you are in your own house. They are unpleasant to use really. But, if you somehow get it into your head that washing dishes is on par with coal mining or digging ditches, and you deserve better, well of course you are going to throw perfectly good stuff in the ocean, trash, whatever. And where do we get this idea? We become advertised into it.

    Watch, the bad stuff happens in black and white, ( close up on a woman with huge icky sink full of dishes she never has good hair in fact she is doing that blow the bangs out of her eyes thing), then *!*!*! Color! Woman throwing plastic forks and paper plates in the trash and she is so GORGEOUS and she is wearing HIGH HEELS and she is YOUNG and her HUSBAND is so HANDSOME and so PROUD of how BEAUTIFUL and SMART she is, why would you not throw perfectly good stuff out!!!

    Anyway, washing dishes, especially when there are a bunch of people in the kitchen to help is kind of pleasant, and even if you are all by yourself, it's not that hard. Think about it for a minute.









    Morning Star Farms Sausage

    Orchid for Mothers Day, the pot was glass, but it was wrapped in plastic.

    Everything else at Costco


    Oranges in a Box


    Hair spray. January said she would get me some for Mothers Day, but that would be cheating.

    Dish washing liquid. My mother used Cheer laundry detergent to wash dishes when I was a kid, and other than the fact that it will probably take a layer of skin off your hands I think it will work. It comes in cardboard.


    On Cinco De Mayo the Comma Editor walked down to a Mexican bar and had a Margarita, which I guess because it was Cinco de Mayo they were serving them in plastic cups. So that was bad. The badder part was that he had another one, so our plastic diet has been cheated on. He brought them home at least, so we can reuse them for something. Turns out this isn't the only transgression. We are saving all the bits. A picture will be published at the end of the month.

    The More Jokes and Everything Else Editor told me the whole blog couldn't be about plastic, but I say, I had a hard week, next week we will be more wide ranging.


    I told you I would tell you the two good things about the NHL. OK, the first one is Don Cherry, he is a Canadian announcer who wears the best outfits EVER. They are suits made out of fabric that you would think came from the planet Weird Fabric. He is great. They don't show him on the US channel, you have to tune into channel 99, the Canadian station. I think he was a player at one time, but who cares. It's about the outfit.

    The other good thing about hockey is that the goalies each get to have the design they want on their hockey hat things, helmets. Some of them are quite good. Most of them aren't, but it's hockey, so once again who cares. Now I will know if That One and The Other One are reading, there will be blistering comments.

    I am getting to the point where I can sort of watch a hockey game. I'm always awed by people being able to skate like that and play a game at the same time, and attempt to beat the shit out of each other in their spare time.


    The Comma Editor and I were driving down Yesler and there was a kid about 15 or so walking down the sidewalk picking up random trash. He had an I Pod or whatever in his ears, and seemed to be doing it just to be doing it. That's what I want to believe.