Thursday, March 29, 2012

Oh, I Don't Know

I have been on vacation for about 5 months as you know. I just haven't been furious but I have been kind of irritated, for most people that's a good thing, but I find it wearing. Like breathing in but not breathing out.

I'm not even furious about the upcoming election, more like, bemused. I thought the Republicans were going with the joke candidates at first. Clearly they were going to put the Newts and the Ricks and the Donalds back in the closet and bring out the real guys. April Fools! They better get cracking or they are going to end up with Mitt Romney.

The thing about Mitt Romney and the right wing is; I get that most rich people are Republicans, but most Republicans aren't rich. The non-rich Republicans know, at least they are pretty sure that they aren't rich because of the government and their "regulations." They are putting the collapse of the job market on the Democrats, even though most of the mess we are coming out of a recession solidly put in place by 8 years of Republican administration. I could be wrong but I doubt it, I think most of the folks at the banks and trusts that bundled loans and brought the country to its knees were Republicans. Anyway, there is a lot of fuss about we need jobs now. It's true. I would however, caution to be careful what you wish for under a Republican president. Mitt Romney and his guys will give us jobs alright, don't you worry. Jobs in "Right to Work States." Minimum wage jobs (very low minimum wages), jobs with no benefits, jobs without unions, jobs with no safety regulations (regulations= bad), jobs that trash the planet. For example, the jobs associated with fracking which is how they are getting natural gas out of old seams (the rich guys have made the decision to use this method based on solid research that says it's cheaper to do it that way and therefore makes them more rich). The thing is this method is so toxic it gives the water that comes out of your faucet the ability to catch on fire. I'm not saying burning water isn't cool, it kind of is.

Remember the movie Pretty Woman where Richard Gere (I think) was a hostile take over guy who went into companies and gutted them, and left with hundred dollar bills falling out of his pockets? And then he fell in love with a prostitute and decided to quit being an asshole? Well, that guy is Mitt Romney people, but so far he hasn't fallen in love with a prostitute.

The stuff that comes out of the mouths of this crop of candidates is kind of jaw dropping. Mitt Romney's wife drives a couple of Cadillacs according to Mitt., Not at the same time, of course, she has one at each mansion. Romney himself drives a Ford pick-up. Or does he just own one?  He's trying really hard to relate to the "people" I don't think he quite gets that cars are made by humans in a place called Detroit. But it's cute that he's trying.

Mitt Romney has one giant hurdle, besides being an out of touch old wealthy guy. He's a Mormon. He seems to be really rich (I will admit that I have no way of proving that he paid for this whole ad campaign, but who then?) because there has been a perfectly timed bunch of TV and billboard ads that go to great lengths to explain what regular guys Mormons are, hey! They are just like us! Personally if I were a Mormon I would be a little irked at the perceived need for a giant ad campaign to explain that I'm not a crazed cult member. January pointed out that the font they used on the billboard part of the campaign isn't good. At first glance it looks like it says "I'm a moron."

Rick Santorum is rock solid in the self declared character department and the self appointed department where he is the one who decides what everyone else should do. One of his really really good ideas is, after he gets elected President, he's going to have a porn czar who will monitor all the porn and decide which porn is OK. What? I bet it's not going to be very good porn.

I heard one of the candidates declare, (I wish I could remember which one but I think we can figure it out between us) that abortion and birth control shouldn't be a federal issue, I was thinking, hey, maybe I'm going to vote for a Republican finally, but then he said, "These are issues that should be decided at the State level." I would just like to go on record as saying, "F... you and the horse you rode in on, I will be in charge of my own hoo-ha, thanks though. But the more you think about it, Newt does seem to have a lot of experience with the va jay jays....

The Out Of Nowhere Bit

I am going to explain to restaurants where they are going wrong. I should be getting paid for this. Don't you dare become a consultant and use my ideas.

I read something recently from a restaurateur that said that when you are unhappy at a restaurant you should tell them what the problem is so they can fix it. Usually if I'm involved it's just going to disintegrate into hair pulling. Just stop being lazy or stupid or in the restaurant business at all if you can't figure out how to serve eggs Benedict hot. I have to tell you that?

Ethnic restaurants and little diners I'm talking to you now. The oversize Coca Cola cooler is an appliance. I don't care what the Coke guy told you, but the giant refrigerator goes in the kitchen. For the same reason the dishwasher and garbage cans are in the kitchen. FYI, it doesn't help your cause to sashay over to the giant refrigerator and pull out a can of Coke that I can buy retail for 59 cents and charge me two bucks. Pretend like you have to go in the back and get the Special Coke.

While we are in the little ethnic restaurants and diners, let's remove the fake flower from the table shall we? The dusty one in the bud vase? Yes let's.

Ok now you upscales. You with the cement floors. Put some goddamned felt on the bottom of the chairs. What the hell is wrong with you? Are you completely deaf?  Why don't you just make the floor out of chalkboard and the chair legs out of fingernails? That's pretty much the ambiance you are evoking. Go to Home Depot, you boneheads, and get those little stick on things. I'm talking to you too Bellevue Square food court. All food courts.

Do not put your knee on the napkin holder so you can jam all the napkins you own into it at the same time. See what happens is, one gets little tufts of napkins for awhile until one loses ones temper and pull out 25 at once. This falls into the environmentally unsound practice arena, although on the up side, I just take them all with me, and never have to buy them.

Never buy Styrofoam take out boxes again. You shouldn't have to be told that. You know better. And knock off the putting of the boxes into a plastic bag. Good God.

Find a vegetarian to help you with the single token vegetarian offering. I believe we have talked about this before. If you wouldn't eat it don't assume the problem is that the food is vegetarian, consider the possibility that you have taken perfectly good vegetarian ingredients and produced slop, because you don't know what you are doing. Have I ever told you I hate Anthony Bordain? What a dick.

If you are going to open a restaurant in a place that has weather as opposed to climate you are going to want to consider heating. If you already have a restaurant, look around. Are there people sitting at tables wearing their winter coats? Yes? Turn up the heat Einstein. The is a  reason there are other words surrounding the word "temperature", "freezing", or "room" for example. You are going to want to go more toward the "room" than the "freezing". If you are looking for restaurant space, and you see an awesome old garage with a big old roll up glass garage door? That would be awesome in August! Not awesome in February.

This all goes double for the bathroom.

Speaking of the bathroom, if you need to have special instructions on the toilet concerning flushing it, like "Please hold handle down for 10 seconds, Thanks!" Call a plumber for Christ sake, how did this get to be my problem? How about you hold the handle down for 10 seconds.

If someone asks you if something is spicy and you say "not really," yes it is and I can't eat it, and that is going to make me furious. See paragraph one about telling you what's wrong. I ASKED you if it was spicy. I would not be asking if I didn't give a shit, or wanted it more spicy. Use your goddammit head.

Don't pretend you have a cool Happy Hour and then have a tablespoon of hummus for $5. That isn't going to make me love you. It will make me real irritated with you.

That's enough for now, you are free to go.