Sunday, October 17, 2010

Life Stories

I know I have been letting you all down with my lazy ass not writing thing and I apologize. Particularly to those of you who are paid up, and you, Supreme Wonderfulness, are getting the nod this week. I know it's a little past a week. I'm sorry you all had to wait. You will notice that your name in the web log can be purchased, Supreme Wonderfulness is my niece, and she is paid up. A cautionary tale.

I have to explain how the will works in my family. And don't worry, I know it seems a lot of times like this isn't going anywhere, but this time it kind of is.

Whenever I used to get irritated by one of my children, January or the Apostrophe Editor I would  declare that whichever one was out of favor was also out of the will, and because we are pretty much floating in money that was a serious threat. It finally occurred to me that they never got particularity twanged out, no matter which one was on the good foot, which was suspicious. 

It finally dawned on me that they had already decided to just divide up whatever there is, no matter who is in the will. That'll take the wind out of your sails, disinheriting your children-wise.

You may have noticed that one of the followers is "Out of the Will", it's the Apostrophe Editor, but being Out of The Will is mostly ceremonial at this point, like being the Queen of England.

Having said all that, and I realize it was a long way around, That One is currently out of the will. Ha! Didn't see that one coming did you? If you saw the comment from last week, you will probably want to cut him out of your will too, just for good measure.

The Apostrophe Editor was saying that he enjoys the personal stories that are sprinkled in, possibly he wants me to shut up about meat and plastic for awhile. Fair enough, a break from the hard work (on my part, lets be clear) can be good. I got to thinking, and almost instantly an event came to mind. It happened when I was about 10 or 11, in California, allow me to set the scene.

We were in a car, 58 Chevy as I recall, with my mother and one of the Stepfathers (there's no point going into names, there were a series of stepfathers). Anyway we were hurtling down a California freeway, that particular stepfather never did the speed limit, and I don't mean he never got up to it, I mean he left it in the dust. So we hurtled everywhere we went. And no stinking lane markers. Straight down the middle. It has never ceased to amaze me, then or now that we were never all in a horrific accident, because believe me it was at the forefront of my mind most of that part of my childhood.

My mother and the stepfather were in the front seat with me in the back. We were going to some event, (I don't remember where we ended up) I know we were traveling in a caravan situation because there was another car, also full of upstanding citizens hurtling along in a nearby car. 

After we had been hurtling for awhile, one of the women in the car alongside us realized she was out of cigarettes, and pre-cellphone, managed to mime her dire situation to the occupants of our car. Well, smokers unite.

Of course what they did was, driving about 80-90 miles an hour, coordinated the satellites, synchronized their watches, they brought the cars close enough together that my mother was able to hand off a pack of cigarettes to the woman in the other car, by reaching through the window.

This was pre seat belts of course, and of course there was a cooler of beer in the back seat with me, but that's ok, beer wasn't considered actual alcohol, more like Methadone, it got you to the place you were going where there was the real deal.

Anyway, what I'm pissed about now is, my family invented Jackass! I should be rolling in royalties, and this proves once again, it's all about the timing.


Back to the preachy.

Baby Diaper Service

This only works for people in Seattle or a largish metropolitan area. You can buy used cloth diapers for cleaning really cheap, this doesn't sound all that exciting, but I'm saying, if you have to clean a thing, this works way faster than anything else.

They are fabulous for all types of cleaning. 

Cloth diapers are what we used before the Advertising People got parents to believe that some plastic and chemicals (chemicals that they refuse to disclose by the way) would be the best way to go pressed against your kids reproductive areas. The advertised advantage of disposable diapers is that  they can be on the kid for hours and hours and hours and the chemicals will soak up the situation, so it's easy. The other advantage is then you throw them in a landfill! 

The occasional parent still uses the diaper service, which is expense wise, exactly the same cost as plastic diapers and exactly the same amount of trouble, (which is to say one hell of a lot less trouble than owning the diapers and washing them in your own machine, can I get an amen?), so when the kid is done with diapers from the diaper service and they are getting a little raggedy (the diapers not the kids), the diaper people sell them. I had my own for years and years but they finally caved in so I was pretty excited to find the used ones for sale. Baby Diaper Service is the name, there was no screwing around when it came time to name that business. A tip, only get the newborn size for inside cleaning. The big ones are too big unless you are detailing cars. I think they were $8.00 a pound, which is a lot of diapers. Damn, I'm the most helpful human I know right now.


I'm kind of thinking, you saw the mask at the top of the post right? I'm hiding out from Dr. Laura and Sarah Palin for awhile longer. I'm not too worried about Sarah, I still haven't seen any reason to alter my opinion of her intelligence. Dr. Laura does concern me though, she is a Horrible Bitch, and I think she is probably just going alphabetically to get to her enemies. Anyway it's clear that the next logical step would be for me to be a mask maker. You would just be amazed at how that thing of beauty came together. If any of you are headed to a costume Halloween or Mardi Gras, I will be the mask maker to the stars. The only thing is, the mask was a little tipsy (well who wasn't)? It was pretty much taped together with, well, tape. When you order yours I will try glue and see how that works out. The feather ones at the costume store were $30. I can make you one for $4. Just don't wave it around with too much vigor.

Also I have decided to become a Life Coach. That seems like a pretty good gig doesn't it? How hard can it be? Because just to start with it's an entirely made up thing. Not that most jobs aren't as far as that goes, like for example Astronaut. Please.

I'm not as bossy as Nurse Rached, but I have lot of opinions about how people could be doing better. (See entire blog), so I think I could help you. I'm not that good at Feng Shue yet, the first thing I'm going to do is find out how to spell it. It's going to be an offshoot of my fundamental service, life coach. 

The bed faces North I know that, there should be some plants and some water, something about fire, or is that Girl Scouts? And rocks, for serenity I think. Or for self defense, I'll look into it. Even without the Feng Shui which is really just icing on the cake I assure you I can and will be a great Life Coach.

I'm pretty sure I can get you straightened out. The initial rates are going to be pretty good. You are going to want to be a charter member.

Speaking of the entire blog, I have been reading some past posts and I have to say it's holding up pretty well. It's a good idea to go back and  re-read 
random pieces once in awhile to keep you inspired. See, Life Coach!