Thursday, March 29, 2012

Oh, I Don't Know

I have been on vacation for about 5 months as you know. I just haven't been furious but I have been kind of irritated, for most people that's a good thing, but I find it wearing. Like breathing in but not breathing out.

I'm not even furious about the upcoming election, more like, bemused. I thought the Republicans were going with the joke candidates at first. Clearly they were going to put the Newts and the Ricks and the Donalds back in the closet and bring out the real guys. April Fools! They better get cracking or they are going to end up with Mitt Romney.

The thing about Mitt Romney and the right wing is; I get that most rich people are Republicans, but most Republicans aren't rich. The non-rich Republicans know, at least they are pretty sure that they aren't rich because of the government and their "regulations." They are putting the collapse of the job market on the Democrats, even though most of the mess we are coming out of a recession solidly put in place by 8 years of Republican administration. I could be wrong but I doubt it, I think most of the folks at the banks and trusts that bundled loans and brought the country to its knees were Republicans. Anyway, there is a lot of fuss about we need jobs now. It's true. I would however, caution to be careful what you wish for under a Republican president. Mitt Romney and his guys will give us jobs alright, don't you worry. Jobs in "Right to Work States." Minimum wage jobs (very low minimum wages), jobs with no benefits, jobs without unions, jobs with no safety regulations (regulations= bad), jobs that trash the planet. For example, the jobs associated with fracking which is how they are getting natural gas out of old seams (the rich guys have made the decision to use this method based on solid research that says it's cheaper to do it that way and therefore makes them more rich). The thing is this method is so toxic it gives the water that comes out of your faucet the ability to catch on fire. I'm not saying burning water isn't cool, it kind of is.

Remember the movie Pretty Woman where Richard Gere (I think) was a hostile take over guy who went into companies and gutted them, and left with hundred dollar bills falling out of his pockets? And then he fell in love with a prostitute and decided to quit being an asshole? Well, that guy is Mitt Romney people, but so far he hasn't fallen in love with a prostitute.

The stuff that comes out of the mouths of this crop of candidates is kind of jaw dropping. Mitt Romney's wife drives a couple of Cadillacs according to Mitt., Not at the same time, of course, she has one at each mansion. Romney himself drives a Ford pick-up. Or does he just own one?  He's trying really hard to relate to the "people" I don't think he quite gets that cars are made by humans in a place called Detroit. But it's cute that he's trying.

Mitt Romney has one giant hurdle, besides being an out of touch old wealthy guy. He's a Mormon. He seems to be really rich (I will admit that I have no way of proving that he paid for this whole ad campaign, but who then?) because there has been a perfectly timed bunch of TV and billboard ads that go to great lengths to explain what regular guys Mormons are, hey! They are just like us! Personally if I were a Mormon I would be a little irked at the perceived need for a giant ad campaign to explain that I'm not a crazed cult member. January pointed out that the font they used on the billboard part of the campaign isn't good. At first glance it looks like it says "I'm a moron."

Rick Santorum is rock solid in the self declared character department and the self appointed department where he is the one who decides what everyone else should do. One of his really really good ideas is, after he gets elected President, he's going to have a porn czar who will monitor all the porn and decide which porn is OK. What? I bet it's not going to be very good porn.

I heard one of the candidates declare, (I wish I could remember which one but I think we can figure it out between us) that abortion and birth control shouldn't be a federal issue, I was thinking, hey, maybe I'm going to vote for a Republican finally, but then he said, "These are issues that should be decided at the State level." I would just like to go on record as saying, "F... you and the horse you rode in on, I will be in charge of my own hoo-ha, thanks though. But the more you think about it, Newt does seem to have a lot of experience with the va jay jays....

The Out Of Nowhere Bit

I am going to explain to restaurants where they are going wrong. I should be getting paid for this. Don't you dare become a consultant and use my ideas.

I read something recently from a restaurateur that said that when you are unhappy at a restaurant you should tell them what the problem is so they can fix it. Usually if I'm involved it's just going to disintegrate into hair pulling. Just stop being lazy or stupid or in the restaurant business at all if you can't figure out how to serve eggs Benedict hot. I have to tell you that?

Ethnic restaurants and little diners I'm talking to you now. The oversize Coca Cola cooler is an appliance. I don't care what the Coke guy told you, but the giant refrigerator goes in the kitchen. For the same reason the dishwasher and garbage cans are in the kitchen. FYI, it doesn't help your cause to sashay over to the giant refrigerator and pull out a can of Coke that I can buy retail for 59 cents and charge me two bucks. Pretend like you have to go in the back and get the Special Coke.

While we are in the little ethnic restaurants and diners, let's remove the fake flower from the table shall we? The dusty one in the bud vase? Yes let's.

Ok now you upscales. You with the cement floors. Put some goddamned felt on the bottom of the chairs. What the hell is wrong with you? Are you completely deaf?  Why don't you just make the floor out of chalkboard and the chair legs out of fingernails? That's pretty much the ambiance you are evoking. Go to Home Depot, you boneheads, and get those little stick on things. I'm talking to you too Bellevue Square food court. All food courts.

Do not put your knee on the napkin holder so you can jam all the napkins you own into it at the same time. See what happens is, one gets little tufts of napkins for awhile until one loses ones temper and pull out 25 at once. This falls into the environmentally unsound practice arena, although on the up side, I just take them all with me, and never have to buy them.

Never buy Styrofoam take out boxes again. You shouldn't have to be told that. You know better. And knock off the putting of the boxes into a plastic bag. Good God.

Find a vegetarian to help you with the single token vegetarian offering. I believe we have talked about this before. If you wouldn't eat it don't assume the problem is that the food is vegetarian, consider the possibility that you have taken perfectly good vegetarian ingredients and produced slop, because you don't know what you are doing. Have I ever told you I hate Anthony Bordain? What a dick.

If you are going to open a restaurant in a place that has weather as opposed to climate you are going to want to consider heating. If you already have a restaurant, look around. Are there people sitting at tables wearing their winter coats? Yes? Turn up the heat Einstein. The is a  reason there are other words surrounding the word "temperature", "freezing", or "room" for example. You are going to want to go more toward the "room" than the "freezing". If you are looking for restaurant space, and you see an awesome old garage with a big old roll up glass garage door? That would be awesome in August! Not awesome in February.

This all goes double for the bathroom.

Speaking of the bathroom, if you need to have special instructions on the toilet concerning flushing it, like "Please hold handle down for 10 seconds, Thanks!" Call a plumber for Christ sake, how did this get to be my problem? How about you hold the handle down for 10 seconds.

If someone asks you if something is spicy and you say "not really," yes it is and I can't eat it, and that is going to make me furious. See paragraph one about telling you what's wrong. I ASKED you if it was spicy. I would not be asking if I didn't give a shit, or wanted it more spicy. Use your goddammit head.

Don't pretend you have a cool Happy Hour and then have a tablespoon of hummus for $5. That isn't going to make me love you. It will make me real irritated with you.

That's enough for now, you are free to go.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Tropical Fun

Disclaimer of Lameness Bit

I'm sending this to a couple of new people, and someone told me the characters were getting to be too inside, so I made a cast of characters who appear here the most. It's kind of long and confusing, so I hope it helps instead of hinders. Hey I know! I need a cast of characters editor. As far as I can tell my VP has time on his hands.

Also I sent this to January for editing, she said it doesn't flow very well and I should fix it. See that's the kind of things she says that are mean. Now I'm all flustered and self conscious. However I think I have solved this in a genius fashion by deciding that there has to be a best and worst post, and this will be the worst. I recommend reading some old ones, they are pretty good.

Rambling Non Cohesive Part

This post is coming from Costa Rica, which is a different place than Seattle. All the ways different.

For one thing, you will notice in Seattle, and all of the United States really, people get their asses sued off, for all kinds of stupid things, by the people that believe Leave It To Beaver was a real thing and nothing in life is ever their fault and they should certainly never have a negative experience. This brings to mind a real lawsuit, someone is suing the state of Washington because their family member was pushed off a mountain by a mountain goat. Seriously. Somehow the State should have had control over the wild animals. Petting zoo's are acceptable, wild animals? No.

What made me think of this is, the other day we were stopped on a Seattle street at a red light next to a utility crew. One of the guys was staring down a man hole and he yelled "Oh SHIT". I still want to know what was going on, did he drop his wedding ring? Did he accidentally turn off the power to all of Seattle? We don't know. I wanted to just sit there til we found out, but the light turned green (so never mind about the power, that wasn't it) and the Comma Editor is just a bitch about blocking traffic and stuff. People can go around. Anyway, I said that I was going to report the guy, because we are in PC Seattle. I really wouldn't though, I have said a bad word myself when provoked enough. Also, make sure you keep reading, January made up a really good new word.

So then we started talking about the PC-ness of Seattle and somehow the conversation came around to the PC-ness as it concerns bikini baristas. When coffee stands started having girls in bikinis making coffee, it was a big scandal, a lot of people were horrified that their little kids were going to see a girl in a bikini as they rode by in their Volvo station wagon, and become traumatized. I don't know what they do about the magazine covers at the grocery store, but that's another issue. The point is, there is a new bikini barista stand in Seattle on Michigan and Fourth. I have actively been trying to get a look at one of the girls for weeks and you just can't see them from the street. You have to go buy a $5.00 latte, so shut up soccer mom and find a real thing to worry about. Like feeding your traumatized kid "food" from McDonald's.

In Costa Rica people won't look at you funny if you don't have any clothes on, that's all I'm saying.

Cost Rica Rambling Non Cohesive Part

The first day we got here The Comma Editor went into a closet and a bat flew out. I always thought bats were pretty good at finding their way out of places with their famous sonar and all, but it just flew around the house for about 15 minutes. In the bats defense, it was his middle of the night and he was startled awake. There is another one in the downstairs bedroom, but only sometimes, I find that nerve wracking.

Oh, and awesome news, I have a machete. It's very very sharp. Oscar, who takes care of the house sharpened it. He also insisted I get the leather sheath, which is all hand tooled, I'll bring it home and show it to you, you're going to be really jealous. January asked me if the sheath is made out of a dead cow, and I have to admit it is. Also it's pretty useless without a belt. Still one of my best things though. 

We have some communication issues with Oscar from time to time. He was putting some new corrugated panels on the roof, clear ones to let in light in the outside bathroom because the bitch from hell renter made him replace the old ones, at our expense because the avocados were falling on them, and also the last renter racked up a $370 electric bill, I don't even know how that is possible. It's all complicated. Anyway Oscar kept saying he was replacing the zinc, and I could not figure out what the hell he was talking about, the metal ones are zinc. Anyway I finally figured out he just calls all the roofing stuff zinc, even the fiberglass and plastic ones. Sometimes we just stand there and stare at each other.

January's New Word Bit

Once again I will tell you about a really good podcast called Too Beautiful To Live, or TBTL. They have explained how to use the phrase "Tired and Emotional" What that is, is being drunk in England. The press uses it instead of "drunk" so they don't get their English asses sued off. The British clearly  have way too many lawyers with not enough to do also. Good accents though.

Anyway back to the story, we were talking to January (who was slightly to pretty, tired and emotional) on Skype. I mentioned the water was really clear that day and that The Comma Editor had seen a crab, January said "You have to be careful, those motherfuckels will bite." I was laughing so hard I couldn't tell The Comma Editor what she had said. Fortunately I knew I wouldn't be able to remember it and I couldn't find a pen, so I wrote it on the bathroom mirror with an eyeliner pencil, it's still there too. (which at this point is getting embarrassing) I will use it in a sentence for you; The other day I was going into a coffee shop, well obviously, I was in Seattle, I pulled the door open and due to the flip flop situation whacked the crap out of my big toe, it hurt like a motherfuckel. 

Educational Costa Rica Random Shit Bit 

For one thing I don't know why I can never remember how Goddammit hot it is here.

There is a guy here named Liam who has a bar on the beach with cable and he gets NFL games, so Sundays you can watch foot ball and drink beer then turn your head and look at the tropical paradise of the water, and boats and guys with no clothes on, so this place is pretty great.

All of you folks who work in an office and have an IT guy who fixes your computer when it breaks down, if you feel like messing with him, say this: "Oscar was cutting some vines from the power lines, and his machete was too sharp and he cut the internet line, and then he put it back together with tape, and it's working really slow". That happened here.

This is a picture of some eggs we bought at the Saturday Market in Puerto Viejo, there are about 12 stalls, some chocolate, some vegetables and fruit, a couple of people with jewelry, there's a guy with what appears to be cheese, I usually only buy fruit and vegetables from one vendor because they have become used to me not speaking a word of Spanish. I really do speak a word of Spanish, but they don't sell beer so it doesn't come up. The egg lady doesn't speak English, and they just have a bunch of random eggs. She was trying to figure out how many I wanted. Let me tell you, next week I am going to know how to say twelve. Finally somehow we agreed on a number, so she put them in an egg holder cardboard thing and put another one on top, then she tied it up with twine and cut the excess egg carton off with a butcher knife. Whole Foods take a note, that's customer service.

All the ways different here.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The I Told You So Bit

Remember the Twilight Zone episode where the kid had a whole town hostage because he could banish people "to the corn"? He could read minds, and if people thought anything about him he didn't like he would send them to the corn, (when I saw the episode and it all made sense, it occurs to me now that sending people to the corn is a little odd. Corn? There actually was a corn field, so he was a farm kid I guess) never to be heard from again. So the whole town spend their waking hours thinking inane thoughts such as; "I wonder if the geraniums need water?" and "Do we have any milk?" and "Here I am making a sandwich". The reason I ask is because the Torchlight Parade was last night in Seattle. (International Readers, it's just a parade at night). Drew Carey was the grand marshal. Have you seen him? He lost about 80 pounds, it's weird.

I remind you that I have made it clear that I think most social media is just stupid. Faceplant (drunk Facebook) is, although now that Microsoft bought Skype and we can now watch each other eat a sandwich it is much improved. Anyway, God this is taking forever, the reason I bring this up is, last night on TV during the parade they were displaying tweets on a crawl at the bottom of the screen.

An example;" Drew Carey is soooo funny!", "Wish I could be there, thanks channel 5 for having the parade!"
"Hi granny! Hope we get to see you in the crowd!", "Great job channel 5, keep up the good work!" This shit went on for hours. Seriously not one thought that needed to even come out of some ones head, got written down, sent, (I'm very close to refusing to use the word tweet anymore) and PUT ON GODDAMN TV. Just to clarify. The Torchlight Parade has been a tradition in Seattle as part of Seafair (International readers, it doesn't matter, except if you're ever in Seattle in August the Blue Angels are freaking awesome) for about 300 years, and some TV station has risen to the occasion and put it on the air every single year. I think it may behoove someone down at Channel 5, to stand back and think about whether having that idiot crawl at the bottom, proving that a large part of their audience can't put a thought together was a good idea. Lord knows I'm a big fan of writing whatever comes into my head, but the day I start verbally standing on my tiptoes and waving to my friend across the restaurant and expecting you to read it, you may feel free to unsubscribe.

It's worse. The hydro races were on yesterday, same thing, the crawl at the bottom of the screen announcing to all that; "I'm looking forward to the Blue Angels!" "Great job on the hydro races Channel 4 or 7 or whatever." "Sure is sunny and warm out!" If this keeps up I am going to kill my TV. Apostrophe Editor, I will need to borrow a gun.

The New Hire Bit

Well I don't even know what's been up with me. One thing, apparently The Other One has 1. Thrown a fit about the whole rapture thing in the last web log, by the way, Worst Rapture Ever 2. Retracted his fit after January pointed out the redeeming part of it, and 3. Appointed himself a Vice President. So all's well that ends well on that web log. I hope we don't have another round of fits when he finds out the Vice Presidency is an unpaid position. Also someone pointed out in a comment that the rapture has been rescheduled for October, so this will be revisited, the VP will just have to suck it up now that he works here.

The Months of  New Material Bit

Aren't you excited about Michelle Bachman? She is almost as entertaining as Sarah Palin, and as a bonus she looks a little odd (see Newsweek cover) but her voice is the voice of an angel after Palin. Her husband is such a bonus. The clip on YouTube where he explains that The Barbarians must be punished is pretty good. By the way, The Barbarians are gay people. So he's got his head on straight. I thought about voting for her until she used the phrase "We got pregnant". Deal breaker.

Why Can't I Be In Charge Part

The Barbarians that need to be punished of course are taggers, who are making Seattle look like a New York subway, and the people who throw cigarette butts all over the ground. I wish they would let me do the punishing, I'm a bleeding heart liberal and I want to beat the crap out of them. I wrote to the Mayor, Mayor Mc Schwinn, (International Readers, he's really into bicycles, you remember the Sharrows from an early blog right?) he actually wrote back a thoughtful letter, or they have a kick ass form letter program, not sure which. Anyway, they know all about the taggers, apparently there used to be a cop who knows all the taggers and their tags so he went after them, but he retired or something so it's all a big mess again. Not helpful Mc Schwinn.

The, I Need Your Address Part

The whole debt ceiling debacle is getting interesting. I love Obama like a brother, but I have to say, "Get in there and be the President". How hard can that be? By the time this gets posted we all may be homeless. In fact let's just all make a list of who has spare bedrooms in case I need to come live with you. I have two cats, but on the upside I can trade time in Costa Rica.

What the Hell Was I Thinking Part, Juicing Is A Crazy Amount Of Work Area (I'm Tired of The Words Bit And Part)

The comma editor and I have been doing a juice fast/cleansing, it's going to last for 10 days. It's good for making you appreciate, well, food. It's kind of easy though not to have to think about what to eat. Although I knew it was getting to me a little when I was doing laundry the other day and I got a whiff of something that smelled delicious and realized that it was the bag of dry cat food. The most important thing I have learned is when this is over I will be able to make the best rum drinks ever. All the fruit juice is delightful. You know what isn't? Juiced kale.


This reminds me of a cute story. Don't you love cute grand children stories? I don't care, sit down. Roselator, who is 8 was making an avatar of me for the Xbox, she had the spiky white hair and big hoop earrings and we talked about whether I would wear various outfits. Her 4 year old brother, yet to be named, I mean he has a name, he's 4 for crying out loud, but for purposes of the web log he doesn't yet. Anyway he showed up in the middle of the construction of the avatar. You know how little kids stutter when they get really excited? He came up and said "And, and, and, and, you're FAT!" And he held up his hands to show me just how fat. See, the cute part is he thought of one all by himself, he wanted to get in on the avatar making action and Roselator had already taken all the obvious (and socially acceptable) identifying characteristics. A piece of technology we don't need by the way, is the thing in the Xbox they don't tell you about that takes a video of you playing the game.

I Might Be Senile Part

I just re-read this and I'm damned if I can figure out how juiced kale reminded me of a cute story.

I Know Where You Live Area

During the writing of this the debt limit got solved sort of, now the US rating has been downgraded and the stock market is nuts, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to be moving in with you. Make sure you have coffee in the morning, and we are good.

Friday, May 20, 2011

The End

I was just looking at the last one of these and I'm damned if I can figure out what the name of that post was supposed to mean. There is usually a logical tie in eventually, but not this time. 

I'm just letting you know, May 21st, is supposed to be the end of the world. One wonders if one should council not paying the bills, because let's face it, that takes time and it's boring and is that how we want to spend our last hours? Or should we buy a car or motor home that we can't pay for, or should we just be responsible until the very end? It's a puzzle. There is always a chance that we will all wake up on the 22nd. That could be embarrassing if we take the end of the world date seriously and it doesn't happen. But we are going to look real dumb if the end of the world happens and we spent the last hours taking out the recycling, and flossing. I don't know where the end of the world prediction came from and I don't think I care that much. It will either happen or it won't. Anyway, this web log should be the last thing you read. Or the first thing next time.

There was a whole bunch of good stuff written here last time I looked. I don't know what happened to it. Maybe the end is near. Or maybe I accidentally deleted it. Wish I could remember what it was.

That One sent me this great picture, about how you shouldn't fall off a cliff because if you do your feet will be torn off and when they come to get you up from the bottom you won't be able to walk back up the hill. This would be especially annoying if you only fell a few feet and got stuck on a branch Beetle Bailey style and weren't hurt at all. So be kind of careful around cliffs OK?

I just remembered what I was mad about when I wrote the part that's missing. Have you seen the ad on TV (again I know I must watch too much TV, but you have to admit that's where they keep a lot of the funny stuff. Can't help going back to Trump Hair). Anyway, there are these new pop up garbage can things, they are made out of plastic of course, and you can throw your keg cups in them and then throw the whole thing away! How great is that?! They also have one that has a recycle logo on it that you can use to put your recycling in. They were a little vague about that, although to be fair they did mention that you could use it again.Or throw it away! Because if you throw it away you will need a new one won't you? And furthermore, don't you dare buy one of those paper towel holders for your bathroom. Just use towels like normal people. Do you want your bathroom to look like a gas station rest room? I didn't think so.

Perfect solutions to problems you never knew you had right? Well, the advertisers have your back.

Thank heavens none of you would use a keg cup anymore, and if you still have some old ones we don't throw them away, we wash them and bring them on to the next picnic. Although I still don't know why everybody doesn't just go to Goodwill and buy some glasses that are just for events. Much more pleasant to use, and glass doesn't get broken nearly as easily or often as the plastic folks would like us to believe.

Bin Laden is no longer with us, he's in heaven with the virgins. One wonders what the virgins did to deserve that. Well let's just not think about it after all. The good news is if you guys have anything to hide, even something pretty big, Pakistan might be a good place, they don't seem to be real observant.

Breaking news, the world isn't going to end, it's just the Rapture. That is when all the Christians get called to heaven, there is going to be a weird minute or two where some of the people you know suddenly are airborne, and just keep going up like a helium balloon or Mary Poppins until you can't see them anymore. The rest of us will still be here, so it's going to be pretty much the same, with all the heathens and Jews and Buddhists and Islamic folks and, well everybody except the True Christians are going to be left. From what I can gather there is going to be a 7 year period when the devil will be running the show, not all that different from... Oh never mind, that's just lazy. Then, Jesus is coming back and there is going to be a thousand year run when he is in charge of Earth. Sounds like a really long two day insurance sales conference, but I'm not in the true believer Christian group, and therefore do not get to make comments. So, it's going to make more parking spaces for the rest of us, and getting a reservation for a wedding at St. Patrick's Cathedral is going to be a lot easier. Let's have fun for the next two days guessing who is going to be pulled up and who isn't. I say Newt Gingrich will still be here. Probably Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I'm confused about the 7 years of hellish Earth times, and then the 1000 year Jesus run, seems if it's to punish us non Christians it should be the other way around. And what's up with the actual times? Who knows this? Anyway, wouldn't it be funny if I got raptured? (Spell check wants that to be ruptured. I love spell check) Anyway, I don't want to be. I want to stay here with most of you.


Monday, May 2, 2011

You Think I'm Kidding?

New Subject, I Don't Want To Talk About It

Thank God the Football Kick is over. It didn't go that well. The thing is I really did practice a lot. Now, I have been doing weights and I thought that would help, but it didn't. What is especially annoying is The Comma Editor and The Other One both did it without any practice or anything. I kicked it a little ways. But not that far. I thought I could leave it alone, but I have bet January that I can do it next year. I want my money back. Seriously, that shit cost me a $50 bill.


Proctor  and Gamble or possibly Gambel have raised the price of disposable diapers. Gas prices, don't you know. OK people, I have explained about how we don't want to put some undocumented (because the chemical people would rather not talk about it) chemical stuff on our babies body parts, but I'm still saying, don't. Baby Diaper Service is your friend, they have diapers. They bring them to you and take them away, and they have rags that are former diapers, technically still diapers, that are the best for cleaning.

The other thing I was wondering about. There was a commercial on about this fabric softener stuff, and the big excitement was that the smell on your sheets lasts for 4 days. I got to thinking about it and wondered if they did that on purpose, or if the chemical guys came into work after a long weekend and said, "Wow this still smells, what the hell" Then they kicked it over to the advertising department to make it something good. I do not trust the chemical people, AT ALL.

Running for President

Donald, Donald, Donald.

I know he's rich, and whatever, but do we really want a man who can't get a grip on his own hair running the country? Yes, Trump is going to throw his hat into the ring, but not yet. Apparently the founding fathers were more visionary than we have even give them credit for. They saw The Apprentice coming and adjusted for it. The Donald can't declare as long as he and his coif are on TV firing people. He is doing good work though; His People are making sure Obama wasn't born here. He has detectives and everything.

You know those puzzles where you have to figure out what the next number in the series is? After Sarah Palin and Donald Trump, looking to get the nod, I'm really afraid Carrot Top is the next one in the sequence.

Late breaking news, Obama produced his birth certificate. It's forged though, that's why it took so long.

You know what we should do? Make people who want to run for president fill out a form.

Red Light Cameras / Tim Eyeman

Now all you International Readers are just going to have to get a drink and sit down. Well, lets all do that really.

I have always thought the red, yellow; green light system of stop and go on our roadways was pretty good. Simple, easy to follow, plenty of warning, uncomplicated.

It seems like a pretty simple way to keep us from running into each other with our cars and killing us, am I right? Well, some of our fellow countrymen feel it's a system that they prefer not to participate in, as though it's optional. This brings us to Red Light Cameras. What happens when arrogant a-holes decide the red light doesn't mean them, is, people get run into in intersections, killed, maimed, fenders bent, pedestrians mowed down. But the red light runners don't care because they are more important than you. The running of red lights has become so rampant that some cities have put up cameras at some intersections where this happens the most, and send people tickets in the mail.

Sounds like a good idea to me.

But here in Washington we have a head A-hole, whose name is Tim Eyeman. He has found a cozy niche,  he makes a  fine living by introducing initiatives to put on the ballot. I don't like this guy. During his first initiative campaign, which was to lower the car tab tax to $30, he swore up and down it was to bring justice to the car driving citizens of Washington and he was doing it out of the kindness of his heart and his love of America and wanted nothing more than the rich satisfaction of helping his fellow Washingtonians. Turns out somebody looked at the books and there was some money missing, which turned up in Eyeman's pocket. "Oh", he said "you mean, that $200,000? His response? "Taxes are bad right?"

And all of his lemming-like followers said "Yes Tim, taxes are bad. All taxes." So this guy has to do nothing but go from one tax to the other every election season and people follow him like puppies. (Puppies historically are not the brightest).

If you ask a group "Is ice cream good? Are vacations fun? Do you hate taxes? You might reasonably expect a Hell Yeah. 

The next part of the equation is that right wing talk radio has somehow, and I say brilliantly, scrambled taxes with THE POLITICIANS (all of whom are evil). Literally I have heard arguments that would indicate that politicians raise taxes and somehow the money ends up in their paycheck. I don't think that really happens.

The thing is, we all live here.

I think we can all agree that we pay taxes on things we would rather not. Say for me, the war in Iraq. Some people would like to have poor kids starve. I don't really want to pay for the baseball and soccer tickets that some companies use as a cost of doing business deduction. If you want to take a client to a baseball game knock yourself out, pull out your personal credit card, don't use mine. But on the flip side, I like libraries, and street lights, and cops, especially the horseback ones, and pothole fillers, and ferries and schools, and immunizations for little kids and a lot of things that taxes pay for, and I would like it if some of it got paid for by...( I'm bringing it around now) fines from Red Light Camera runners.  Because you get to pick whether or not you pay the tax! America, America!

Well according to Eyeman and his genius followers the reason  red light cameras shouldn't be allowed is the technology. Seriously, they are using the half assed reason that you get caught by a camera and not by an actual cop on the beat. So, apparently feel free to rob a 7-11, or a bank ATM, because the camera isn't a human. SERIOUSLY? Tim, this is what you're bringing? And you followers, look! Something shiny! Do you like ice cream?! We use technology in every single aspect of every single day, and suddenly this is the place where it can't be trusted? What?

The city of Redmond, (International Readers, this is where we bought our first house when there were still mostly horses there, recently brought to you by Bill Gates and Microsoft), has decided to put red light cameras up, the first three months it was all warning tickets. They sent out 16,000. OK then, I have proposed this before, and I think it's still the best idea so far, howbout we just take all the lights down, and remove the false sense of security we derive from them. Since we are at the mercy of jerks who are too busy to use the system, lets make it every man for himself I say.You there, guy in a hurry in the BMW, my Toyota Echo has nothing to lose in a an intersection battle. You probably have way better insurance, and I'm fixing to find out. OW, my neck!

The part I find most incredible about this is that if you don't want to pay this tax don't run a Goddammit red light. The cities even put up signs that say "This intersection is controlled by a red light camera". Really? How about the only warning you are going to get is the yellow light and if you can't handle it, pay the Goddammit fine and shut up?

You don't want red light cameras? OK, how about this? Put cops at the major intersections and when you get a ticket for running a red light the fine is $5000, and you lose your license for 6 months. Now we are getting somewhere.

Whew, that took it out of me. I'm good though.

Sports Bit

The Canucks are still in the playoffs. Everybody, the Canucks play hockey. The Canadians love that shit. They got through the first round winning in overtime in game 7, so that was exciting. That One was dressed up in a ensemble, a jersey, blue and green face paint, beads, the whole thing. As you know, our team wins or loses depending on what we are wearing at the time, so now he is going to have to dress up in the outfit until they win the Stanley Cup. That's the prize when you are the best hockey team. It's gigantic.

Wedding Bit

 One of the Princes got married, good luck I say.

Radio Bit

At the very beginning of this web log I explained how I developed a love of talk radio from working alone in the plant nursery for years. I was listening to a Seattle radio guy named Dori Monson the other day, he claims to be a Libertarian, but really he's pretty right wing, anti union, really hates Mexicans, although he claims it's only the illegal ones, because they are all drug dealers and gang members. He is a big carnivore too. I wonder how he would reconcile the illegal Mexican workers who are the backbone of the factory farming industry. Anyway, of course he hates Obama too. Obama can't even go to church to suit this guys fancy. The minister who was preaching at Obama's church on Easter brought up some black history, and there was big doin's over that. Apparently the Negros should be over it. So anyway, this guy said that they have a new pastor in his church and she was preaching about how we should be showing more compassion for illegal Mexicans. He said, "I don't want to hear this in church, I want to hear her preach the gospel!"

I can't make that any funnier.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

You Asked For It

Well hi again. First of all I am going to have to speak sharply to The Other One who apparently had some sort of fit and unfollowed himself, or do I mean unfollowed me? He made a big fuss about the fact that I haven't been writing for awhile, so now that he has had his fit he has to re-follow me, which isn't the best use of is time at work. I am trying to keep America productive.

My computer has been broken, but it seems to be working now, so yay. 

Rich Guy

I was just watching TV for a minute and the question comes up again, don't you think if you had hair growing out of your forehead and you were as rich as Donald Trump you would get some plastic surgery or some tweezers or something?

New Career?

We were at dinner the other night and I said something hilarious, as usual. So Out Of The Will's wife said "you should do stand up." And Out Of The Will said "yeah, you could be the white Moms Mabley." See, this  is why he is frequently out of the will. For those of you unfamiliar with Moms Mabley, she was a stand up comedian in the '80's, more or less. She was black, her two other significant identifying characteristics were that she was 104 years old and she didn't have any teeth. She was funny though.

It occurs to me that OOTW's wife (my daughter in law for now known as DIL) needs a name here. All these made up names came from January's paranoia about, somebody going to coming after me I think. Not Paula Deen, I was worried about Dr. Laura for awhile but that threat seems to be past (I hope). Anyway, that's why we don't use real names. But! What does one name one's daughter in law? 

If you watch 30 Rock, you probably have seen Jack Donaghy's mother in  a couple of episodes. The first time she showed up, she came and was a really awful person and ruined everybody's Christmas. I had not seen that one, so when DIL said that I really reminded her of Jack Donaghy's mother, I didn't think anything about it. I was a little blindsided when I finally saw it. Maybe the DIL is the one who should do stand up.

I still like her though, so we have to be thoughtful. Nurse Rached is OK with her name, I was a little worried about it but everyone seems to agree that it fits. Exceptional Wonderfulness basically bought her name. You still can too, there are a lot of good ones left. It's like buying the naming rights to Qwest Field, but a lot more affordable. Anyway, suggestions for Daughter In Law are welcome. 

The Educational Bit

I was listening to the radio tonight, and I have to give a grammar lesson. This guy, whoever he was, was going on and on about how email was supposed to be formatted. In the first place, WTF? There are no rules pertaining to the way email is supposed to to be formatted. Well there might be but I'm not interested.

In retrospect this was boring as hell. He (a good reporter would know the guys name) will have no truck with people who use bold or italics and don't use what he considers to be proper paragraphs. However he is fine with saying out loud "There is two spaces between paragraphs."

OK, there is correct English and incorrect English: "There are two spaces between paragraphs if you are buying my Bull Shit theory that there is such a thing as correct formatting of email" would be correct. One does not say "There is two spaces between paragraphs."

Anyway using the contraction "there's" instead of "there are" incorrectly is becoming mainstream and it's a very bad thing, because it's freaking lazy. "There is" and "there are" have two different meanings and it behooves you to get it straight because the incorrect use is becoming rampant and I don't like it. You know why? Because it makes you sound stupid. You're welcome.


This is the last thing about watching TV. It's just so fun when the temperature drops below 50 here, I can't help it. Blizzard Watch 2011 is over. Jim Foreman saved us again Seattle. International Readers, Jim Foreman is a reporter, sort of. At the first hint of impending weather they dress him up in his yellow slicker and send him out with a film crew. Then he stands on the side of the road somewhere and points down to show us where the snow will land if there ever is any, or where the flood water will be if it floods, or where the air will be going real fast if it gets windy. We are usually hideously disappointed, because all that weather almost never happens. But it could. Then he goes away until the possible weather happens again. It seems to be his only job down at the TV station, but that's all he needs to do, because he is great at it. Like that groundhog Punxutawney Phil. He's a specialist.

Speaking of watching TV, I saw a commercial last night for a furniture company that is having a pre-season sale on patio furniture. It's February. This is the kind of go getter attitude I'm trying to convey to the Canadians. (It was February, my computer was broken I told you) 


God, Sarah Palin's daughter is writing an autobiography.


I'm sure by now you have all done your reading list. To refresh;  Eating Animals, The Omnivores Dilemma, In Defense of Food, Animal Vegetable Miracle, that last one actually has a cheerful ending, but you know that because you read it right? There are a couple others but I can't think of them. Wait, Fast Food Nation is good, and you don't want to miss "Slow Death By Rubber Duck". The last one especially if you have kids.

I'm just reminding you because there is going to be an initiative on the ballot next election to make it a law that egg laying chickens can open their wings and turn around in their cages before they get eaten or whatever happens to them. It's hard to believe but, right now they can't. They are crammed together so tightly they can't move, and we don't want that. So I will need all of you all to sign the initiative. I know we all want to go to bed
at night to sleep the sleep of the just, knowing the chickens of Washington can do the Hokey Pokey.
 The End

I thought I was done with this one, but I'm suddenly pissed off again. I was just reading something on-line. It was an article about how goddamn difficult it is to feed your kids because everybody is so so busy because we have to drive them to 5 lessons a week, and there are two of them, so everybody eats a bunch of crap from McDonald's in the car. And you should try to eat dinner together three times a year, Christmas, Thanksgiving and somebody's birthday or some such shit. Somebody wrote a book about this. She is so proud that she figured out that you should sit down and eat with your family. Your kids don't need to do all those things. They probably don't even want to. Your child's piano teacher isn't going to make it to the opening night of Billy's concert at Carnegie Hall, you know why? Your kid isn't that good at the piano.

Unless your kid is begging for piano lessons you might want to consider sitting down to dinner and listening to some piano music while you talk instead of driving to lessons three times a week. Spend that field hockey practice time hanging out in the kitchen making gd a sandwich for dinner, then sit down at the table and eat it. I don't know who started this idiotic notion that it's OK to be too busy to feed your own kids decent food, never sitting down and talking to them, but it's not OK. What it is is, nobody likes to cook, so they act like it's impossible. No it isn't. And don't eat tortured chicken either. OK, now I'm done.


Thursday, January 20, 2011

And I missed you too

It's true I have been remiss in writing, but the fans clamor, and it's time to get back in the saddle so to speak. As a half assed excuse I have been to Costa Rica and have a job, which as we know can come and go. I get fired a lot, so I'm working this one as long as possible. It seems to be going pretty well, but I think it's because it's a writing job so I like it.

Hey I had pneumonia too!

The other thing is I have been putting off writing because I'm trying to spare you all the inevitable. I didn't mean for it to happen, but you all have to become vegetarians, or hunters. The thing is, this is totally not my fault. You know who's fault it is? The nuns. When I was a small child I went to a Catholic school, and just a word of advice, don't send your small child to a Catholic school where nuns are the teachers. Anyway, what happened is the nuns don't let kids go out of their class unless they have completed the curriculum, and learning how to read was the curriculum. If I didn't know how to read I wouldn't have all this disturbing information about how the meat here is grown, and you wouldn't have to be a vegetarian or hunter. Weird huh? And I probably should add that these were the '60's nun type that had the full on habit down to the ground, with the giant wimple (that white part around the face that the long black veil hangs off of) it's a technical term. And they had a crucifix that weighed one pound hanging around the neck. They may have been the last of a breed, but they were not a pleasant people. It might be ok to send your kids to a Catholic school full of nuns now, but check it out before you sign any contracts.

So I have already told you to read Fast Food Nation, Animal Vegetable Miracle, The Omnivores Dilemma, and In Defense of Food. I don't think you have, but it would be to the benefit of all if you did. Now the kicker, Eating Animals.The unfortunate take away is that most of the meat in this country is factory farmed. To keep it on the light side, lets just say the animals are abused beyond belief, fed things they wouldn't eat in real life, (there are some interesting stories about where the food comes from, That One told me one from a place he used to work.You don't want to know). So the animals have to be fed antibiotics because the conditions are so horrific they are sick all the time. Which means when people get sick the antibiotics don't work. This is the happy overview.

Then we turn our attention to chemicals. I am reading a book called Slow Death by Rubber Duck, which is not as much fun as it sounds. Don't ask. Just do not trust your government, or any chemical company. You know that stuff they found in the water in the movie Erin Brokovich? Turns out it's in a lot of water when tests are done to look for it. Giant sigh. You need to get a reverse osmosis water filter, I'm sorry about this too, just don't shoot the messenger. Because you will go to jail, and we don't want that.

So one of the things that happened while I was out of commission is the Chilean miners got out, which was pretty wow awesome bomb. What I want to know though as the greatest nation on earth, according to somebody, how come they have the really cool chant? Chi Chi Chi Le Le Le!

The midterm election happened at the wrong time, if the Democrats were still in power we would have funded a much needed "Department of Chant"

You know the life coach thing I was telling you about? Well here is a free coach. As soon as I get my certificate this is going to cost you.

Three things you don't want to say out loud during a Seahawks game.

1. Jesus God! I could have kicked a 25 yard field goal.

2 Of course I can.

3.Yes I will bet you $50.

So now here we are. Seriously, didn't everybody say that? Anyway, now there is a big hassle. January said I could just give her the $50, but I'm not. I'm going to go through a big bunch of trouble and then miss the gd field goal then give her $50. That ladies and gentlemen is how I roll.

That One sent this, apparently he sees something I'm missing, I don't know why he sent this really.

(Later) This is way harder than it looks, but as I told High School Friend football practice is going pretty good, the ball is going the required 25 yards if you count rolling.

January and I took a yoga class, that was fun. It gets you all stretched out, it's very calming, and there have been some comments on how that would be a good thing for some of us. The best part we get to wear our jammies in public. The only other time that is OK is when you are are Hugh Hefner, and that gig appears to be taken for at least another 75 years.
I have been meaning to point out a couple of things.

1. There is no such thing as a stemless wine glass, a stemless wine glass is called a tumbler, which can easily segue into a jelly jar. A wine glass has a stem. That is why when you say "Jethro, hand me a wine glass", Jethro doesn't reply, "Would you like the wine glass with The Flintstones or the Jetsons"? Even Jethro can identify a wineglass. By it's stem.

2. You know the whole Faceplant thing, (which I will remind you, is Facebook when you sign up a little bit drunk, and again, for once it wasn't me). Well I'm just saying, I don't care that it's Friday "Yay!" or Sad Face, "It's Monday, I have to go to work". Or hey, "I just ate a sandwich". This whole situation got out of hand somehow, I don't think this was the plan. "Hey, it might snow!" I don't know why I'm even bringing it up, I have no idea what my password is, I haven't looked at my Faceplant page in months, but I bet people are still having a sandwich on the way to work on Monday, sad face.