Thursday, June 17, 2010

The Comma Editor was walking down the street the other day and a guy asked him if he could spare $1300.

What do you suppose that was all about? I bet it was a former WAMU exec who thinks he still has a boat payment.

I'm OK with occasionally giving a street person a buck or two, but I expect something for it. We were out once with the More Jokes and Everything Else Editor and a guy came up and asked her if she liked poetry. She said yes. There was an awkward deal where he spouted some indecipherable crap that was supposed to be a poem and we ended up having to give him a dollar, and she went stomping away saying "What the hell did I say that for?! I hate poetry." Well who doesn't? Hating poetry is a learned behavior, and I'm proud to say I may have been a little bit of an influence. I think it's good to pay your prejudices forward. After Ogdan Nash and Shel Silverstein I'm out of here.

When we first moved to Seattle we were walking around downtown one afternoon, when some guy came up with a rose and gave it to me. We gave him a dollar, then a few blocks later some other guy came up to us to let us  know  that the first guy had stolen the rose from a flower shop. Well, a couple of things, if you are enough of a bonehead to keep a vase of roses on the sidewalk in front of your shop in Belltown don't come crying to me, and second, is there a Dickensian (Dickensonian) style network of bums in Seattle? Homeless gentlemen, excuse me. How did the second guy know about the first guy and me?

You know what's starting to piss me off?  One of the things.

Have you recently tried to pay a bill or get some information about a business or store or whatever and gone to the website but you can't find the information you need so you caved in and called the phone number?

Do you remember how annoying we used to think the elevator music on hold was?  Or the hold music on the elevator for that matter.You know what is exactly one million times more annoying? The recording telling you that you can do this ONLINE! Just check out the website!



Also, you know how when you call some one's phone and get the answering machine message? In 1970 having a phone answering machine was the BOMB, but nobody said that yet.

Nobody says that anymore either.

The point is, I do not need to hear, in 2010 that I can leave a message after the beep and that I can call dial 5 to call the person back or whatever it is. Alright, this is losing a little bit of focus because I can't actually remember what the whole horseshit recording says, but you know what I'm talking about. It would take way too much time to call someone and tell them not to answer the phone and then call them back, and listen to it, but I could. The message has been the same for YEARS, and by now we know how to leave a Goddammit phone message. It takes 5 MINUTES every time someone doesn't answer their phone, to get to the part where I say, and I quote, "call me" I'm sick of it. The thing is I can't even imagine who to call to leave a message about it.

Speaking of being unfocused, I was watching Last Comic Standing and I was reminded of a true story. I alluded to it before in a past blog, but I'm irritated to report that some people are not memorizing this web log like poetry. Right now is a great time to look up the phrase "Ahoist on your own petard"  I'll give you a hint; It means you shot yourself in the foot.

It was the time I got from where I live in Seattle to where I worked in Woodinville in the wholesale (plant, not baby) nursery. International Readers, Woodinville is suburban town about 40 minutes away, so by the time you get there, it just makes no sense to turn back. I don't exactly remember how I got all the way to work without any shoes, but you know various things happen. Fortunately, there was a Target close enough to work, so that's where I went.

As a rule I'm pretty oblivious, but at 7:30 in the morning at that Target they were having some sort of rah-rah team building situation, like they used to show the Japanese doing when they ran the world for a few minutes in the '80's.What you don't want to do is walk into the pep rally with beige pants and a red tee shirt (what the hell are the chances?) barefoot.

It didn't turn out that badly. I quickly, with my genius brain assessed the situation and just went striding through the store until I found the flip flop department. I paid a kid who seemed oblivious to the fact that our outfits matched and got the hell out.  It was James Bondesque.

I just offer this up as a cautionary tale. It's 6:30 AM; do you know where your shoes are?  Socks?

Carry on.

Oh Man

Just when you think it's over, well let's just say, when a door closes a window opens, or another door could be anything opening.

It's just that I thought I had blown through all the good signs around Seattle, but the city never lets me down.

 Now don't you feel like an idiot? I know, me too, now with the instruction booklet it seems so obvious.

Preachy Bit!

I was thinking about how in Costa Rica the water or power will just go off for an hour or two for whatever reason. You quickly learn to cope, and it isn't a big deal, to plan for no water between 9 and 11, or just get over it when it cuts out for no reason. Where did we get the idea that we are entitled to unlimited power and water? Just a thought. I know, we are Americans. We don't know where we got the idea, it just is. But Canadians and Mexicans don't have the right to unlimited water and power.

I am working on getting past the environmental subject. Hold the applause I said trying. I was reading the wrapper of the toilet paper called Seventh Generation. The name came from the notion from Native Americans that it's prudent to consider the consequences of your actions to the Seventh Generation. If we did that we would be done here and I'd be off your back.

The reason I was reading the wrapper in the first place is I thought it said post consumer paper at first, but after a while, I started to wonder if there were some post consumer wood chips going on, I can't figure out what that would even be, but damn. A happy by product is that if for some reason you need something to read through, this stuff is the deal.  It's a weird combo I know. I'm just reporting here. One wonders what they were trying to make.

A Good Thing

It's farmer's market season, and every neighborhood has one within walking distance. The flower bouquets are a steal, and will make you happy for days. Happier.