Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Digging Myself a Deeper Hole

You will notice the picture at the top of the web log is different. I'm hiding from the wrath of Dr. Laura, and now Sarah Palin. I'm probably a goner.

January doesn't think Dr. Laura can hunt down everyone who thinks she is a Horrible Bitch and have said so out loud, but I think she has "people".

I have had reason to think about the internet lately, and how it works.

I mean I know about the elves and lasers and monkeys, so technically I get it. What I'm wondering about right now is how I can have had the same email address for years, but only in the last month I'm getting mail from strangers with offers (and tempting offers too) about how they can help me fix my penis situation. How do they even know about my penis situation one wonders? It's nice that there is all this interest from folks who have never even seen my penis (I like to believe) it's just odd that the subject comes up after all this time. My penis situation hasn't changed that much in the last little while.

Another thing, who reads Oprah magazine? I realize that one could reply and rightly so, "Well, apparently you do Mary" and it's true. I just wonder what people do for a living that makes them consider even briefly, paying $1000 for a pair of shoes. Oprah must pay well, I know she doesn't get it personally; she would probably pay $250,000 for a pair of shoes and not notice it. But her staff keeps coming up with this stuff. When I pay $1000 for an object I had better be able to drive it to Oregon. 

That reminds me, the Paula Deen sightings are down, and so what we need is for all of you to send this to more people. I love you all like brothers, but you seem to be a little slow. So here's what we are going to do. Right now send this to one person. Just one. If you like it, you must know one other person that would.

I have been thinking this over, and realized that if you hate it, or hate someone who would hate it, that works too. We will revisit this plan from time to time. I really don't know what else to do with you people.

I'm starting to feel the pain of PBS.

During the hippie/pioneer phase I am currently in I have been looking for ways to get around plastic, you knew that, the other thing is high fructose corn syrup. I heard a broadcast on NPR's Things You Should Know about it and why it's bad.

Turns out the high fructose corn syrup ads we all saw, about how it's all just sugar, were a teeny bit misleading. I'm not accusing a giant multinational corporation of lying, as much as I would enjoy the publicity of being sued by them. I'm afraid they would just go to the more expedient solution and get a Mafia member, or Mexican (cheaper labor, see previous post) to "rub me out".

The science of high fructose corn syrup is interesting. It renders useless, or kills, (whatever, do I look like CSI Miami?), the chemical in your stomach that tells you when you have eaten enough. Hence you eat a whole bag of cookies instead of one or two. And it's everywhere, in all kinds of things you would never guess, like bread, so I'm kind of looking out for it. American ketchup has high fructose corn syrup. In Costa Rica ketchup is made with sugar and it's quite delicious. I decided to make my own ketchup here, in the United States of America.

The other thing about the internets is, they let anybody play with them. Therefore recipes you find on line are frequently half assed. One person will post a recipe and one thousand other people will comment on it, saying how they made it and it was good, except they put different things in it. 

I looked at a bunch of ketchup recipes and finally settled on one that was half assed from the get go, so I wouldn't be surprised. For example there was a list of spices, but no thoughts or ideas on how much of each might be good. Also, in 30 minutes it was not starting to get thick, that chemistry happened about 4 hours into it.

For my first attempt I'm pretty happy, after the first several hours of cooking I didn't think it was sweet enough, so I threw in more brown sugar, which made it  a drop too sweet, (some sort of measuring would have been good but I think I was high on the internet). I couldn't taste the cayenne pepper so I ended up putting in a little too much but overall the ketchup is pretty damn good. Of course it's in a glass jar in the fridge. In all its deliciousness. 

And to come full circle both January (I'm not mad anymore) and The Apostrophe Editor looked at me like I'm slow and told me that the giant multinational corporation makes ketchup with sugar now. Well nobody told me. I bet the corn people are pissed.

Here is the recipe, in all its half assedness. I'm not kidding about the 4 hour cooking time; don't start this if you have to leave the house. 


I'm rather enjoying the Sarah Palin deal, with her daughter and potential son in law breaking up. She actually said she never liked him anyway. Really, I would have thought this might have been a really good time for a prepared statement from someone who has presidential aspirations.  "They have decided to remain friends... co-parent... blah blah blah. 

Let's do word association. 

Peanut butter



Sarah Palin
White Trash

That was just totally uncalled for.

However, I seriously do not want this woman, who by the way is "taking lessons" in American history to get up to speed, and I'm not even kidding, representing me. Just to start with, we don't need her going to Israel or Iran and saying she never liked them anyway.

And, who, as the Governor of Alaska saw something shiny and just wandered away from her job.

Her daughter is going to be on Dancing With The Stars.

Chelsea Clinton went to Stanford and Oxford and Columbia. 


I don't mean to complain, but.

The Other One's wife is going to have to come into the story here. She too was born in January we already have one of those so I'm sorry to say, her name is going to be Nurse Rached. I know we all thought it was Ratchet, but I looked it up and it isn't.

(Nurse Rached is the mother of the Princess that said I was a witch. Turns out it wasn't the insult I took it to be, I was just a character, like a cowboy, or a troll, but still.)

Anyway, Nurse Rached and The Other One said there aren't enough commas in the web log, which I am down with, I put in hundreds, I don't know where they go.

Then January said it's because my sentences run on and on. You would be appalled to know how often my children talk about me like I'm not in the room. I was standing right there and they are all just chatting away like they can't see me. At least I know what the little weasels are up to.


You know how to tell if there are too many lawyers in the world? 

When there is a disclaimer in a TV ad that says "Pictures are for illustrational purposes only". Spell check doesn't think "illustratonal" is a word and I concur

(The Comma Editor and I had a fight about this, apparently if you spell it right there is such a word. It still doesn't sound right, but who am I to argue with someone who actually checks facts?)

This came to my attention because there is a local mattress store going out of business and there are pictures of furniture in a showroom, for illustrational purposes. I have racked my brain trying to figure out what else a picture could be for. It would seem that the law profession, if that's what they want to call themselves, knows something we don't. So carry on with the illustrational pictures for now.

But watch yourself.


I'm pleased to report that some of you, and you know who you are, are paid up and can sleep the sleep of the just.