Sunday, March 20, 2011

You Asked For It

Well hi again. First of all I am going to have to speak sharply to The Other One who apparently had some sort of fit and unfollowed himself, or do I mean unfollowed me? He made a big fuss about the fact that I haven't been writing for awhile, so now that he has had his fit he has to re-follow me, which isn't the best use of is time at work. I am trying to keep America productive.

My computer has been broken, but it seems to be working now, so yay. 

Rich Guy

I was just watching TV for a minute and the question comes up again, don't you think if you had hair growing out of your forehead and you were as rich as Donald Trump you would get some plastic surgery or some tweezers or something?

New Career?

We were at dinner the other night and I said something hilarious, as usual. So Out Of The Will's wife said "you should do stand up." And Out Of The Will said "yeah, you could be the white Moms Mabley." See, this  is why he is frequently out of the will. For those of you unfamiliar with Moms Mabley, she was a stand up comedian in the '80's, more or less. She was black, her two other significant identifying characteristics were that she was 104 years old and she didn't have any teeth. She was funny though.

It occurs to me that OOTW's wife (my daughter in law for now known as DIL) needs a name here. All these made up names came from January's paranoia about, somebody going to coming after me I think. Not Paula Deen, I was worried about Dr. Laura for awhile but that threat seems to be past (I hope). Anyway, that's why we don't use real names. But! What does one name one's daughter in law? 

If you watch 30 Rock, you probably have seen Jack Donaghy's mother in  a couple of episodes. The first time she showed up, she came and was a really awful person and ruined everybody's Christmas. I had not seen that one, so when DIL said that I really reminded her of Jack Donaghy's mother, I didn't think anything about it. I was a little blindsided when I finally saw it. Maybe the DIL is the one who should do stand up.

I still like her though, so we have to be thoughtful. Nurse Rached is OK with her name, I was a little worried about it but everyone seems to agree that it fits. Exceptional Wonderfulness basically bought her name. You still can too, there are a lot of good ones left. It's like buying the naming rights to Qwest Field, but a lot more affordable. Anyway, suggestions for Daughter In Law are welcome. 

The Educational Bit

I was listening to the radio tonight, and I have to give a grammar lesson. This guy, whoever he was, was going on and on about how email was supposed to be formatted. In the first place, WTF? There are no rules pertaining to the way email is supposed to to be formatted. Well there might be but I'm not interested.

In retrospect this was boring as hell. He (a good reporter would know the guys name) will have no truck with people who use bold or italics and don't use what he considers to be proper paragraphs. However he is fine with saying out loud "There is two spaces between paragraphs."

OK, there is correct English and incorrect English: "There are two spaces between paragraphs if you are buying my Bull Shit theory that there is such a thing as correct formatting of email" would be correct. One does not say "There is two spaces between paragraphs."

Anyway using the contraction "there's" instead of "there are" incorrectly is becoming mainstream and it's a very bad thing, because it's freaking lazy. "There is" and "there are" have two different meanings and it behooves you to get it straight because the incorrect use is becoming rampant and I don't like it. You know why? Because it makes you sound stupid. You're welcome.


This is the last thing about watching TV. It's just so fun when the temperature drops below 50 here, I can't help it. Blizzard Watch 2011 is over. Jim Foreman saved us again Seattle. International Readers, Jim Foreman is a reporter, sort of. At the first hint of impending weather they dress him up in his yellow slicker and send him out with a film crew. Then he stands on the side of the road somewhere and points down to show us where the snow will land if there ever is any, or where the flood water will be if it floods, or where the air will be going real fast if it gets windy. We are usually hideously disappointed, because all that weather almost never happens. But it could. Then he goes away until the possible weather happens again. It seems to be his only job down at the TV station, but that's all he needs to do, because he is great at it. Like that groundhog Punxutawney Phil. He's a specialist.

Speaking of watching TV, I saw a commercial last night for a furniture company that is having a pre-season sale on patio furniture. It's February. This is the kind of go getter attitude I'm trying to convey to the Canadians. (It was February, my computer was broken I told you) 


God, Sarah Palin's daughter is writing an autobiography.


I'm sure by now you have all done your reading list. To refresh;  Eating Animals, The Omnivores Dilemma, In Defense of Food, Animal Vegetable Miracle, that last one actually has a cheerful ending, but you know that because you read it right? There are a couple others but I can't think of them. Wait, Fast Food Nation is good, and you don't want to miss "Slow Death By Rubber Duck". The last one especially if you have kids.

I'm just reminding you because there is going to be an initiative on the ballot next election to make it a law that egg laying chickens can open their wings and turn around in their cages before they get eaten or whatever happens to them. It's hard to believe but, right now they can't. They are crammed together so tightly they can't move, and we don't want that. So I will need all of you all to sign the initiative. I know we all want to go to bed
at night to sleep the sleep of the just, knowing the chickens of Washington can do the Hokey Pokey.
 The End

I thought I was done with this one, but I'm suddenly pissed off again. I was just reading something on-line. It was an article about how goddamn difficult it is to feed your kids because everybody is so so busy because we have to drive them to 5 lessons a week, and there are two of them, so everybody eats a bunch of crap from McDonald's in the car. And you should try to eat dinner together three times a year, Christmas, Thanksgiving and somebody's birthday or some such shit. Somebody wrote a book about this. She is so proud that she figured out that you should sit down and eat with your family. Your kids don't need to do all those things. They probably don't even want to. Your child's piano teacher isn't going to make it to the opening night of Billy's concert at Carnegie Hall, you know why? Your kid isn't that good at the piano.

Unless your kid is begging for piano lessons you might want to consider sitting down to dinner and listening to some piano music while you talk instead of driving to lessons three times a week. Spend that field hockey practice time hanging out in the kitchen making gd a sandwich for dinner, then sit down at the table and eat it. I don't know who started this idiotic notion that it's OK to be too busy to feed your own kids decent food, never sitting down and talking to them, but it's not OK. What it is is, nobody likes to cook, so they act like it's impossible. No it isn't. And don't eat tortured chicken either. OK, now I'm done.