Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Oh Suzanna!

Well, we are just pioneers here, not the kind that goes where no man has gone before. The kind that has a mule.

The plastic diet is truly a pain in the ass. You can't buy anything. Thank God for Happy Hour. We would have starved by now. Actually we have a lot of vegetables, and you can get a couple of kinds of cheese at Metropolitan Market wrapped in paper. If you want something besides cheddar or Swiss you are SOL, but you can make a living off of that as my Uncle Jerry used to say. We are noticing a dearth of Parmesan, but one suffers for ones principles.

I would like to report some victories. One of the readers, (not a follower however), cleaned out her fridge and washed the bottles of weirdness out and recycled the containers instead of throwing the whole thing in the trash, which is commendable, because as you know it's not that much fun cleaning out old mustard and whatnot. It seems like it's not that bad to throw it all away, but it is because we have to remember that our bad behavior is being replicated millions of times by other people who think it's not that much. Wow make that into a sentence if you dare Comma Editor.

Speaking of the Comma Editor, he made tortillas out of scratch that were wow awesome bomb. That is an expression that Roselator made up when she was about three. It means the best of the best. Now we aren't going to be able to buy tortillas from Rosarita or whatever she calls herself, anymore. Never mind the plastic, tortillas are just considerably better homemade. You can make some really good burritos without a hint of plastic, and now that we know the Comma Editor can make tortillas, well the sky's the limit, eh? (That was for the Canadians, I'm checking to see if they are reading). Sorry about the Canucks dudes. Now so you know whats up, the Chicago Blackhawks are the Yankees.

Furthermore! You can make hairspray and deodorant! Out of stuff!

Saturday morning the Comma Editor and our friend Other Grandma who had spent the night were up talking and running the damn coffee grinder and talking really loud and waking your corespondent up. I finally got up and wandered into the living room and sat around fuming in a sleepy way when the Comma Editor bounded up and just squirted my hair with a spray bottle, which as it turned out was the hair spray which was made out of sugar and water, cooked, so Simple Syrup! Rawther a rude way to wake up the rest of the way, but harmless ultimately. You need to put some lavender essential oil in to keep the bees from coming to your hair. Small price to pay I say. It actually works better than you would think. As I said before, I'm not that into my hair anyway. A side note. Doesn't putting lavender oil in seem counter intuitive? Don't bees love lavender? I guess we will find out as spring progresses. 

The ingredients in a bottle of hairspray are pretty intimidating, I've never paid attention before. I guess I just thought it was sticky stuff and if I bought it in a spray bottle instead of an aerosol can that was enough, but now I see the error of my ways.

Now for the deodorant part. It is: baking soda, corn starch, shortening, and tea tree oil. Tea tree oil smells foul, just so you know but I guess it's antibacterial. (I'm not even sure there is such a thing as a tea tree.) That's it. Not sure what the proportions are since I haven't actually tried it yet, but someone on the internet said it's great, so how wrong can you go?
I know you can use baking soda to brush your teeth, so when we run out of tooth paste we will be fine.

Another side note. When I used to smoke I brushed my teeth with baking soda one time then lit a cigarette. The worst taste of all time. Really really awful. So let that be a lesson to you about brushing your teeth.

We had to buy light bulbs in the traditional corrugated cardboard package, the Comma editor couldn't buy the ones he wanted, the more energy efficient twirly type, because he said they were in the packages you have to open with scissors and dynamite. I asked him how that works, he said scissors first.

I would give you a good thing of the week but I think you might explode what with the tortillas and the hairspray and all the rest.

I haven't been paying much attention to politics this week, and what I have is Seattle based, so I'm taking the Apostrophe Editors word for it and leaving it alone.

Just one thing. I heard on the way home on the radio that BP Oil is giving Louisiana and Florida millions of dollars to promote tourism. Seriously. The new brochures are going to say "Just wipe it off, it's good as new!" 



  1. Homemade tortillas! Yum! I want those uncle comma-editor! This was a funny blog, I even laughed out loud!

  2. Hey! You fixed it so I can comment on your blog without having a Google account! Perfecto. For now, I'll just say that I want you to test the deodorant with some at home exercise before you take it to the streets.

  3. Hi Mary and Rusty,
    I have tried to follow you since you started; I guess aol hates me; they won't let me do it.

    Love You,

    Crazy Aunt Debby

  4. Oh, by the way; I am crazier than ever.

  5. ONE OF THE CANADIANSMay 26, 2010 at 6:46 PM

    Well now that I can comment without logging in I can in fact confirm that I read the blog, eh! I'm all supportive of saving the world but is it worth saving if we have no comedy? That's my way of saying this week had too much plastic have to fight the cause though i understand so I won't hold it against you!

  6. Don't feel bad about the energy efficient lightbulbs. If you ever break one they are filled with dangerous levels of mercury. You might need a Hazmat crew to clean it up. So I stick with the old fashioned ones. Especially around kids. :) xoxo