Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Tropical Fun

Disclaimer of Lameness Bit

I'm sending this to a couple of new people, and someone told me the characters were getting to be too inside, so I made a cast of characters who appear here the most. It's kind of long and confusing, so I hope it helps instead of hinders. Hey I know! I need a cast of characters editor. As far as I can tell my VP has time on his hands.

Also I sent this to January for editing, she said it doesn't flow very well and I should fix it. See that's the kind of things she says that are mean. Now I'm all flustered and self conscious. However I think I have solved this in a genius fashion by deciding that there has to be a best and worst post, and this will be the worst. I recommend reading some old ones, they are pretty good.

Rambling Non Cohesive Part

This post is coming from Costa Rica, which is a different place than Seattle. All the ways different.

For one thing, you will notice in Seattle, and all of the United States really, people get their asses sued off, for all kinds of stupid things, by the people that believe Leave It To Beaver was a real thing and nothing in life is ever their fault and they should certainly never have a negative experience. This brings to mind a real lawsuit, someone is suing the state of Washington because their family member was pushed off a mountain by a mountain goat. Seriously. Somehow the State should have had control over the wild animals. Petting zoo's are acceptable, wild animals? No.

What made me think of this is, the other day we were stopped on a Seattle street at a red light next to a utility crew. One of the guys was staring down a man hole and he yelled "Oh SHIT". I still want to know what was going on, did he drop his wedding ring? Did he accidentally turn off the power to all of Seattle? We don't know. I wanted to just sit there til we found out, but the light turned green (so never mind about the power, that wasn't it) and the Comma Editor is just a bitch about blocking traffic and stuff. People can go around. Anyway, I said that I was going to report the guy, because we are in PC Seattle. I really wouldn't though, I have said a bad word myself when provoked enough. Also, make sure you keep reading, January made up a really good new word.

So then we started talking about the PC-ness of Seattle and somehow the conversation came around to the PC-ness as it concerns bikini baristas. When coffee stands started having girls in bikinis making coffee, it was a big scandal, a lot of people were horrified that their little kids were going to see a girl in a bikini as they rode by in their Volvo station wagon, and become traumatized. I don't know what they do about the magazine covers at the grocery store, but that's another issue. The point is, there is a new bikini barista stand in Seattle on Michigan and Fourth. I have actively been trying to get a look at one of the girls for weeks and you just can't see them from the street. You have to go buy a $5.00 latte, so shut up soccer mom and find a real thing to worry about. Like feeding your traumatized kid "food" from McDonald's.

In Costa Rica people won't look at you funny if you don't have any clothes on, that's all I'm saying.

Cost Rica Rambling Non Cohesive Part

The first day we got here The Comma Editor went into a closet and a bat flew out. I always thought bats were pretty good at finding their way out of places with their famous sonar and all, but it just flew around the house for about 15 minutes. In the bats defense, it was his middle of the night and he was startled awake. There is another one in the downstairs bedroom, but only sometimes, I find that nerve wracking.

Oh, and awesome news, I have a machete. It's very very sharp. Oscar, who takes care of the house sharpened it. He also insisted I get the leather sheath, which is all hand tooled, I'll bring it home and show it to you, you're going to be really jealous. January asked me if the sheath is made out of a dead cow, and I have to admit it is. Also it's pretty useless without a belt. Still one of my best things though. 

We have some communication issues with Oscar from time to time. He was putting some new corrugated panels on the roof, clear ones to let in light in the outside bathroom because the bitch from hell renter made him replace the old ones, at our expense because the avocados were falling on them, and also the last renter racked up a $370 electric bill, I don't even know how that is possible. It's all complicated. Anyway Oscar kept saying he was replacing the zinc, and I could not figure out what the hell he was talking about, the metal ones are zinc. Anyway I finally figured out he just calls all the roofing stuff zinc, even the fiberglass and plastic ones. Sometimes we just stand there and stare at each other.

January's New Word Bit

Once again I will tell you about a really good podcast called Too Beautiful To Live, or TBTL. They have explained how to use the phrase "Tired and Emotional" What that is, is being drunk in England. The press uses it instead of "drunk" so they don't get their English asses sued off. The British clearly  have way too many lawyers with not enough to do also. Good accents though.

Anyway back to the story, we were talking to January (who was slightly to pretty, tired and emotional) on Skype. I mentioned the water was really clear that day and that The Comma Editor had seen a crab, January said "You have to be careful, those motherfuckels will bite." I was laughing so hard I couldn't tell The Comma Editor what she had said. Fortunately I knew I wouldn't be able to remember it and I couldn't find a pen, so I wrote it on the bathroom mirror with an eyeliner pencil, it's still there too. (which at this point is getting embarrassing) I will use it in a sentence for you; The other day I was going into a coffee shop, well obviously, I was in Seattle, I pulled the door open and due to the flip flop situation whacked the crap out of my big toe, it hurt like a motherfuckel. 

Educational Costa Rica Random Shit Bit 

For one thing I don't know why I can never remember how Goddammit hot it is here.

There is a guy here named Liam who has a bar on the beach with cable and he gets NFL games, so Sundays you can watch foot ball and drink beer then turn your head and look at the tropical paradise of the water, and boats and guys with no clothes on, so this place is pretty great.

All of you folks who work in an office and have an IT guy who fixes your computer when it breaks down, if you feel like messing with him, say this: "Oscar was cutting some vines from the power lines, and his machete was too sharp and he cut the internet line, and then he put it back together with tape, and it's working really slow". That happened here.

This is a picture of some eggs we bought at the Saturday Market in Puerto Viejo, there are about 12 stalls, some chocolate, some vegetables and fruit, a couple of people with jewelry, there's a guy with what appears to be cheese, I usually only buy fruit and vegetables from one vendor because they have become used to me not speaking a word of Spanish. I really do speak a word of Spanish, but they don't sell beer so it doesn't come up. The egg lady doesn't speak English, and they just have a bunch of random eggs. She was trying to figure out how many I wanted. Let me tell you, next week I am going to know how to say twelve. Finally somehow we agreed on a number, so she put them in an egg holder cardboard thing and put another one on top, then she tied it up with twine and cut the excess egg carton off with a butcher knife. Whole Foods take a note, that's customer service.

All the ways different here.


  1. Did That One or The Other One claim the vice president role? You have it as That One, but under The other Ones heading.

  2. God almighty, I need another editor! The Other One is the VP.