Dogs In Shopping Carts

OK, this week it's all about dogs where they shouldn't be. Don't get me wrong, I love the animals, pets, cats mostly, but I'm down with the dogs too. I have dog references, Finster and Abbey love me. Here is a dog tip for you, feed them the leftovers after the kid refuses all forms of nourishment. The dogs don't even know what they just swallowed, but they love that you thought of them. I know that's kind of "Dog 101" but it's fun every time.

When I was a kid my all time favorite book was called "Follow My Leader" it was about a kid who blew a firework up in his face and was blind, and then he went to a boarding school to learn how to function and got his seeing eye dog, a German Shepherd and it was great. So maybe I'm oversensitive to this new phenomenon, bringing your dogs with you everywhere.

I was in Trader Joes awhile back and there was a woman with her daughter of about 13 or 14 and they were pushing a shopping cart around where there was a dog firmly entrenched in the baby seat. It's disgusting dog ass in the cart where most of us put food. I didn't say anything to her, I should have, it's true. I was actually out in my car when I realized I was still pissed, (sometimes it takes me a minute to sort it out) so I went in to talk to the manager. What I learned is he isn't allowed to ask to see service dogs certificates, I looked into it further and can you believe it, a service dog doesn't even have to be certified.

Service dogs aren't required to be trained in any special way, or be able to prove that they can do anything they are just declared.

I was reading a web site about it, and the people who use service dogs are actually fighting against legislation setting some standards for service animals. They don't want to have certification standards but are upset that service dogs aren't always allowed in places. Well is it just me or is this backasswards? Wouldn't some sort of tag or collar or scarf that is universally recognized grease the skids much like a passport does at the airport, or a drivers license when you get pulled over? Just showing me your dog doesn't scream "service animal". Especially if you're carrying it.

I can tell you the manager at that Trader Joes isn't pleased about this either, he said he is so allergic to dogs that he can't be in the checkout line with one.

It seems to me the people who seriously need service animals are shooting themselves in the foot by not demanding some standards. The problem is the new gray area of dogs that are not to keep you from walking into traffic, but the ones who are for making you feel better. And I'm not saying that isn't legitimate, but these are the ones that confuse the issue. There is such a thing as a seizure dog for example, that does something I don't know what exactly, but I guess it's ok to bring it, I personally wouldn't want to depend on it calling 911, but if it's a service dog OK, I just want some proof. Still doesn't belong in the cart.

I personally have a self diagnosed case of ADD. My son mentioned one time that he thinks he has it, and after I thought about it for awhile it just explains all kinds of shit. Like why I can wander off with makeup on only one eye, (that's always as shock in the mirror later), or start to take a vitamin and not be able to complete the task. The fairly famous time I got all the way to Woodinville from Seattle to go to work and realized I was barefoot and had no shoes in the car. So I probably could bring the cat with me to the store a declared service animal if I wanted to.

Clearly the whole take your dog places started with Paris Hilton the Rhodes Scholar. Can you imagine how fast her great grandfather is spinning in his grave? He worked his whole life to make the Hilton name mean quality, and now this.

I am being kind of mean about it, I understand she rolls out of bed about nine and designs purses.

By the way, when you say someone is spinning in their grave do you think they are spinning like a weenie on a rotisserie, or like the spinner in Hi Ho Cherrio? I can't decide. The weenie way makes more sense.

People in stores and restaurants would prefer that you leave the dog at home. We don't think they are cute, we aren't charmed, we are irritated. It is rude and unpleasant all around for you to bring your dogs places that don't say "Dog Park" at the front. If it say's "Safeway" or "Red Robin" leave it at home. And by the way, how is it that most of these dogs are white, but not all the way sort of dirty and miserably ugly? They all seem to be the same breed, with base of poodle and a mess of something that didn't quite work out. Some of my problem is not only are their dog butts where my food is going to be, they look icky too.

Service animals should be on the floor, wearing their uniform and on a leash, so they can be proud of themselves as well they should be.

Another aspect of this whole mess is the people who are driving their dogs around in some sort of stroller. Jesus people stop it, you look legally insane and if you look closely the dogs are embarrassed to death. They are kind of slunk down hoping no one looks at them and just humiliated. Also I'm guessing the next logical screw up is all these dogs in strollers are going to get chubby, and that could be real bad. Richard Simmons might decide to get involved.

It occurred to me the other day that only women go places inappropriately with dogs. I seriously can't think of an instance when I've seen a man with a dog in a stroller. When men do it it's with some weird animal like a cat draped around their neck or a parrot. Not that I'm encouraging that either, it's just interesting. Personally I'm done trying to analyze it, but you are welcome to. So what have we learned?

Pets are to make us feel better at home. Service dogs are to get us there and back. A dog never never never goes into a shopping cart. Unless it's wrapped up in a Styrofoam tray and covered in Saran Wrap. OK, I take that back.

Hooray I'm Back!

After many requests to resume my blog since we have been back in Seattle I’m ready to start back up.

Blogging from Costa Rica was easy because so much of what goes on there is just puzzling and odd. The culture is something to talk about. But back here it’s just the same old thing, and I couldn’t find a theme, a reason, what would my topics be?

Well you will be glad to know I have had an epiphany about what I’m good at I don't know what took me so long to figure it out. I’m pretty good at complaining.

My son once told me I’m the only person he’s ever known who gets grumpier when they smoke pot. I know that didn’t come out covering me with glory on any level. I really don’t smoke pot; it was peer pressure at a party. In my defense I have only smoked pot a few times in my life, and in his defense it hurt my throat which did make me grumpy for a minute.

On a similar note I once wrote into the Rant and Rave column in the Sunday Seattle Times, about how there is no way for people at Bellevue Square to recycle. (I realize that I am writing for an international audience now, so a brief explanation: it’s an upscale mall in Bellevue, a suburb of Seattle. The City Without a Soul I like to call it.) Anyway there are no recycling bins anywhere which is just ridiculous. The Times printed my rant and I forgot about it, until the next time I saw my son about a month later, he said he had seen it and was pretty sure I had written it, but I didn't sound pissed off enough. Well they had taken out the part about how Kemper Freeman Jr, the owner of the mall should be ashamed of himself. I had been edited, which watered the whole thing down.

I was babysitting yesterday, a 3 year old princess. It takes a princess awhile to get dressed. First there is a dress, then a petticoat goes over that, on top of it all goes a fairy skirt deal with flowers and leaves, then you have to sort through the crowns, some are too tight. Then the jewelry, three bracelets on one arm, one on the other. And finally a ring and she was ready.

I was sitting on the floor helping choose among hundreds of pieces of jewelry, thinking I was pretty good at this lady in waiting business. She looked at me and said "You are a witch".

Clearly I'm qualified for this job, overqualified even.

So this is how it’s going to go. I will post a blog every Friday, and your job if you like it, is to send it on. You know, the more I think about it, just send it on. We need to have it reach about a million people, (does that seem like too many or not enough?) which will be interesting, because most of what I have to complain about is peculiar to Seattle, but we’ll see. If necessary I could go elsewhere and find stuff to bitch about, but really it’s the repetition of stupidity that finally puts the pearl in my oyster. So I’m not that cranky really. Most of the subject matter is universal anyway, running a red light is bad in Dallas too.

As those of you who know me know, I didn’t go to college. I have a great respect for higher education. But I have finally separated in my mind the difference between well educated people and people who are smart, there is such a thing as too much awe. I have gone along most of my life thinking “Hey that seems kind of stupid, but I know only smart people are in charge there, so it must be OK.” I have finally figured out that I ain’t no genius, but I’m at least fit to comment.

The thing is, most of what drives me nuts seems just so easy to fix. Somehow thoughtfulness has been replaced with a misguided sense of personal rights. I'm all for that, but as the saying goes "your right to swing your fist ends when it meets my face." Common manners, and common sense, that's all I'm asking.

We have goals here, and yes readers you have some work to do, well you have to put in an email address and push send, so not a lot of work, but it needs to be interactive. So, to make sure we are clear our goals are:

* Raise money through advertising and subscription, or a fund raiser, not sure yet. All of you who know me know that the logical sponsor is Bud Lite, so I’m hoping there will be a six degree of separation situation and that this gets this to them. You can tell them I liked the house made out of Bud Lite during the Super Bowl a lot, and the Real Men of Genius radio commercials are genius. Also I believe my rates will look verrrrry competitive.

* Become famous enough that someone goes up to Paula Dean and says “You look just like that blogger from Seattle."

I really don’t mean to complain about everything, and I promise to have a spot to point out something good every week too.

So, you want to know, what are some of the topics going to be?

The incident that sent me over the top happened last night at was what will likely be my last dinner at Café Flora in Seattle’s Madison Valley. International readers Café Flora is one of a handful of I guess you could say gourmet, high end vegetarian restaurants in Seattle.

Things that are wrong with restaurants

That's one topic. There will be a running theme restaurant wise, with an emphasis on Happy Hours.

Manners

Spitting on the sidewalk, cigarette butts outside clubs. Who raised you people?

Signage

Is there some Twilight Zone around here that makes the people in charge just not able to figure out what the point of a sign is, because it’s not that hard. Microsofties will be, raked over the coals then keelhauled.

Doc Martin

I was under the impression that if you’re old enough to remember the old PBS series Faulty Towers, which was hilarious, you were supposed to be old enough to think Doc Martin is funny. That isn’t really a complaint; I’m just real confused about it.

Government/Seattle City Council

Really? 500 bicycles painted on the streets of Seattle in the middle of a Depression? .

Words

I just don't like a lot of them, and people use some wrong and then sometimes they just make them up.

Dori Monson is the Grasshopper of Dr. Laura

International readers, Dori Monson is a local radio talk show host.

Running Red Lights

Recycling and how people need to stop being bone lazy and stupid

Kemper Freeman listen up.

The Seattle Downtown Library

I probably can't really do a whole thing on it, I just don't like it and I really wanted to.

Service Dogs

It’s kind of interesting there are forces at work I was surprised to learn.

Facebook and Twitter

Jesus. Not complaining about Jesus, I was just swearing.

This is the list I came up with between 6-7 this morning. I'm a little alarmed that it took so little time to assemble this many topics. As you can see it's just small things that irritate me. Well that isn't true, but we are going to start with the small things and work our way up. It's all pretty easy to fix, so I expect we will all be happier soon, I know I feel better already.

I may have been exaggerating a little about how the masses were clamoring for the return of my blog, but thanks you two!

The name of the blog is "It's Not Mean If It's True."

Tee shirts coming soon.